Why I decided to get support for my eating disorder at Leeds Uni

I remember the day that I finished therapy for my eating disorder like it was yesterday. I’d turned 17 a month or so before, and had spent the eight months leading up to this day going back and forth from home, to school, and to the mental health hospital which was nearest to my house.

I don’t say this lightly – I’d never been more relieved, and not just because the hospital was a painfully long walk away and I could never remember where I’d left my Oyster card.

Even though I was an out-patient and only went in only for therapy and dietician sessions etc, I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Don’t get me wrong – I am thankful every single day for the doctors and nurses, my therapists, even the receptionist who always smiled at me. All of these people helped me to heal and grow in ways I can’t begin to explain.

The Insta-worthy moment itself

How did I get to that moment? For a long time, I didn’t think much of my weight. Despite going to an all-girls private school (no, I wasn’t in Charles Morris, leave your stereotypes at the door please), I just didn’t really care. Sure, I’d envy some friends’ figures, but I’d always believed people when they said I was pretty, and I’d always been more keen on making people laugh anyway.

At some point after I was 15, this changed. I became acutely aware of how I looked, and looked at myself constantly. Everyone around me seemed to be taller, prettier, thinner than me. I’d heard about girls making themselves sick after meals, and after a particularly large meal with friends, I did the same. And I cried. I cried, and I cried, and then I realised that I didn’t feel full any more.

I’d been so convincing with my stories of “getting in shape” and “doing more sport” that it didn’t seem strange to my parents that I was eating less and disappearing after every meal. I was exhausted, I could barely concentrate on anything for longer than 20 minutes and my throat was stripped raw to the point where it was painful to talk. In short, I was absolutely miserable, and I was making the people who cared about me miserable too, I just didn’t realise it.

My parents found out after a year, and as soon as they did I went straight to the doctors and ended up at the hospital. Was I happy about this? No.

My eating disorder had consumed me to the point that I thought I needed it to stay alive to make people want to be around me. Although I wasn’t by any means “cured” by the time I left hospital, I had at least thankfully dropped this way of thinking.

One year later

Coming to university was as scary as it was liberating. I was in a much better place than I’d been a year before, but could I trust myself to stick to the habits that I’d worked so hard to keep going? Could I really live with a group of strangers, eat meals with them, explain my past to them? It turned out I could and I couldn’t.

It wasn’t until about three months in, at a house party with one of my new flatmates when I finally managed to bring it up. I’m sure we both still share a very fond memory of that moment – squashed into a bathroom in Hyde Park, her with her knickers round her ankles and me with the wide-eyed expression of someone who won’t sleep for the next 14 hours, when I blurted out: “I was in therapy for seven months for an eating disorder.”

There was a brief moment where she wiped and I panicked, then she washed her hands (or at least I hope she did), hugged me and told me that it meant a lot that I trusted her enough to tell her, and if I needed her she’d be there. From then on, my fear of telling people about my history with my eating disorder started to diminish.

Reason #1 not to be afraid of food

Now, this isn’t me trying to claim that I’m completely rid of my illness by any means. Of course I still have bad days, or weeks or months. Sometimes I won’t eat and sometimes I’ll feel so guilty for eating that it’ll make me cry. But I am happy, and I am healthy.

No-one at uni that I’ve told about my past has judged me for it, or tried to mother me, which I’m grateful for. What’s changed since I started second year is the thought at the back of my mind that just because I’m more comfortable with telling people now, it doesn’t mean I’ve completely come to terms with myself and those months I spent in hospital.

It’s because of this that despite being a success story, a survivor and really just a normal girl in recovery, I made the decision to return to a support group in Leeds for people dealing with eating disorders.

The first meeting I attended was tough – I was terrified of admitting to a group of strangers that my life isn’t filled entirely with fun and an excess of bucket hats and glitter as it seems. On top of that, in the days leading up to it, there was that horrible little voice in the back of my head telling me not to bother, saying: “Everyone’s going to laugh at you- you’re not thin enough anymore to have an eating disorder.”

This irrational voice almost stopped me from getting the help I needed first time around, so I ignored it and I went. I’m so glad I did.

Reason #2 not to be afraid of food

I cannot stress enough to anyone else suffering from an eating disorder how important this kind of support is. If you’re in recovery, like me, or wanting to get help for this illness that has sucked you in, but don’t know how to, find a group near you and go. Even just for one meeting, even if you’re paralysed with fear, even if your anxiety tells you not to – go.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying about food, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being nervous about doctors, and hospitals and a whole host of other things. Maybe this is the first step I need to take, or maybe this is the last step, but whatever happens, I’m not going to let my past stop me from doing what I want anymore, and no one else should either.

Leeds Student Minds meets every Monday in the Union from 6pm until 7pm.

The Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders support group meets weekly, for more information call 0113 855 6400.

For more information about different types of eating disorders and the help available, look at the Beat website.