Yes, I’m a Tory, but that doesn’t make me a twat

Get off your high horses

I’m fed up. Fed up with snide comments, fed up of rebuffing accusations that I hate the poor and fed up with the legions of champagne socialists and self-styled Marxists of Leeds automatically classifying me as a twat.

Yes, I’m a Tory – but the age-old myth that being a Tory somehow makes you more twattish than others has to stop. This myth stems from a delusional two-sided view of the world in which the Left are paragons of good with the monopoly on morality, and the enemy, the dreaded Conservative party, are ambassadors of evil and despair.

Let’s get one thing straight, I’m not the demon you think I am. Red wine demon? Yeah, sure, but certainly not someone who’s committed to the continued impoverishment of the British people. So to those of you who have unfriended me on Facebook or blocked me because of that one pro-Tory post – you know who you are – please get off your high horses. I’m actually quite docile and sympathetic in real life – show me that bit with Simba’s parents in the Lion King and I’ll prove it. I hope this ensures that the next time I walk past the Marxist stand outside the union I don’t have to get a sweat on in case they’ve smelt the Tory scum.

Please stop fibbing about how we only care about the rich. You’ve obviously missed the recent welfare policy enforced by the Conservatives. Also, we think a Jeremy Corbyn government would be disastrous for everyone – yes, that includes the poor and vulnerable you and your gap yah brigade claim to represent.

Unlike the Left, however, we don’t believe in the existence of a magical leprechaun that lends us money from his pot of gold whenever we need it and then charges massive interest rates at the expense of the British people.

jake

It’s Echo Falls, before you say anything

Also, not all Conservatives jump on the bandwagon of the Right without any forethought. I’ve explored Labour’s policies and tried to give them a chance, and tried to view them in the most objective way possible, but in lieu of what I found I decided they were as silly and irrational as that time I was ignored by someone at a house party because of my “fascist” views.

What’s up with communism? Is it a joke?  You’re telling me no human ever wants to work hard to enjoy the fruits of their labors? You want to give them to lazy Clive instead? If having an educated political difference make me a twat than I shall bear that title with  pride.

Finally, to all those secret student Tories out there afraid to voice their own political beliefs because of the fear of being judged by sanctimonious Lefties – let them out and stop kidding yourself. You’re not a dick, you’re just a person who thinks differently to the Left on the best way to achieve peace and prosperity.

So, to clarify, we Tories aren’t twats. We don’t have an intrinsic desire to see humanity crumble before our very eyes, nor do we hate the poor. If everyone could agree on this I’ll be the happiest I’ve been since Corbyn was elected leader of the Labour Party.

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