How uni is Leeds uni?

Following last week’s revelation that the Hidden Café isn’t actually hidden, we decided to have a look at some other big names around campus to see if they were telling the truth or not…

The Great Hall

Unlike its Hogwarts counterpart, The Great Hall may not have candles floating in the air and the ceiling is definitely not bewitched to look like the sky. It is a damn fine-looking building though, and the scene of joy when you finally graduate from Leeds. Okay, so you may have had an exam or two in there, but its architecture makes most of the rest of campus look like shit.

Is it great? Yeah, it’s pretty great.

The Clothworkers Building

Though named after The Clothworkers Company, an ancient livery society with a penchant for fancy fabrics and even fancier buildings, there is still some truth in the name – it houses textiles and fashion students who work with cloth, wool, leather, sequins, rhinestones, and anything else you can fashion stylish garms out of.

So yes, they do work with cloth, but textiles and fashion are only part of the School of Design. It’s a tenuous link at best, and we wouldn’t want the Graphic Design students to feel left out, would we?

Do they work on cloth? Yes, they do actually.

The Library

Ah, those first-year jokes about “spending all your time and money in the library”, ho ho ho. Unlike Eddy B and the Brotherton, this ‘library’ won’t let you take books out or work on your essay. It’s a pub, and since it got a bit of a facelift, a pretty nice one too. It came sixth in our definitive ranking of the Otley Run pubs.

Is it a library? No – but you can finish your first draught here.

CATS

Most students are probably disappointed the first time they walk into ‘CATS’ that it does in fact only sell cards and tickets. There may be kitten-themed variations of the above, but we can categorically say that the last time we were there, not one four-legged feline friend was available for purchase.

And yes, we are aware that CATS stands for Cards And Tickets Shop. We just thought it was an over-enthusiastic shout-out to those grumpy little balls of fur.

Do they sell cats? Not one in sight.

The Edge

Though it may be pretty mainstream to go to a gym that you get a free membership to with halls, it can’t be denied that The Edge is a breeding ground of the vibes-y types that Leeds is known for.

Just head down during the edgier non-peak times for a titillating array of greasy topknots and wavey sports leggings.

Is it edgy? Yep, it certainly is.

The Old Bar

Old Bar was around before you, and it’ll be here a long time after you’ve gone, keeping us entertained with beer and burgers. It’s still the only place in the union to get a pint of real ale and listen to the ill-informed nonsense of punters whenever there’s a sporting match on. We love it, and it’s a lot less drab than it was before since they installed all those comfy sofas.

OB opened its doors in 1939, making it the same age as my grandad, so it is in fact quite old. We hope it lives to see its one hundredth birthday. Mine’s a pint.

Is it old? Yes, but it isn’t how old you are, it’s how you are old.

The Gryphons

The feats of the sports teams to which the name is applied may often reach near-mythical status, but do any of the teams’ players have either the head and wings of an eagle, or the body of a lion, or both?

At the time of writing, no – but the rugby lads you see at Warehouse on a Wednesday are equally monstrous.

Are they actual gryphons? Nope.

Essentials

Home of the meal deal and terrible music being piped out all day long, Essentials isn’t really essential. Yes, you can get your bread, milk and fags there but you can get that stuff at Tesco on Blenheim Terrace and it’s probably cheaper there too.

In addition, it’s way too well-stocked for everything there to be described is essential. When was the last time you needed a copy of NME or a bottle of Fentiman’s cola to continue to function as a human being? I suppose you’ve got to call a shop something, but come to think of it, water is one of few things essential to human life, and they don’t sell bottled water.

Is the stuff there essential? Barely anything is.

Mine

According to the LUU website, the alternative venue and Fruity hotspot is registered to Leeds University Union. Thus, by the process of elimination, it doesn’t belong to me. And it doesn’t belong to you either.

Sorry.

Is it mine? No. Not yet, anyway.

The Treehouse

Google defines a treehouse as: “A structure built in the branches of a tree for children to play in.”

LUU’s Treehouse is a space at the back of The Lounge that’s mainly used for dance societies. Performing a routine in an actual treehouse is surely against health and safety.

Is it a treehouse? Don’t be ridiculous.

So Hidden Café may not be hidden and Terrace’s burger might not actually be a burger, but at least there are a couple of things on campus that actually live up to their name. Though most of them, it appears, don’t.