Post-exam Celebrations: A how-to guide

The day has come. For weeks, you’ve been stranded in a lonely revision desert; kept company only by hastily scrawled notes and your regrets about lecture attendance.

You’ve forgone on even basic hygiene in an attempt to fit in all the work you need to do. You’ve resorted to snorting lines of instant coffee because you can’t afford the time it takes for the kettle to boil.

Well, fear not weary student, because it’s over. It’s all over. The January exams and deadlines are finished. You’re free.

Now, let’s get hammered.

You’ve no doubt been dreaming of the post-exams ‘sesh’ since New Years day, but this isn’t any old night out. No, no. The post-exams night out is a sacred tradition and it is a night that requires preparation and forethought. You can’t just rush out the door like it’s any old Monday night at Halo.

To help liberate yourself from the shackles of examination, here’s some tips to help you celebrate – and survive – your post-exam festivities.

 The night before – 6pm to 11pm

Be prepared: You’re going to feel an intense urge to buy in a lot of booze. Like industrial quantities. Like the amount that’s likely to get you put on some government watch list under the suspicion that you’re constructing some type of incendiary bomb. This urge is natural. Do not fight it.

But bear in mind that it may have been up to several weeks since you were last out on the lash. Thus, it is important that you remember that you are likely going to be one massive lightweight compared to your usual 70cl-for-breakfast self. Not necessarily a bad thing, economically, but lets at least try to even start this semester with some shred of dignity intact.

Also, wouldn’t hurt to buy in a ready meal or two and some painkillers. Something tells me you’re not going to feel like cooking the day after tomorrow.

The fully-clothed starfish: a position you will become more familiar with later this evening

Leave your clothes out. This is a monumental day with only a finite amount of hours in it. Let’s not waste these precious moments agonising over whether your arse looks big – or, for Kardashian fans, not big enough – in those jeans.

Now choose your destination. House party all night, or party then out? Pub or club? Decide on this now so that people are in agreement ahead of time and you don’t have to rely on the drunken version of yourself to orchestrate an entire evening’s events. That will not pan out well.

Oh, and after all this, maybe have a quick look at those notes for the exam tomorrow.

The big day – 11am onward

The exam: It went great/terrible/okay, so let’s go for a drink.

It has been scientifically proven that no pint tastes better than the first one after the end of your last test. If this pint happens to occur at 11am after an early exam; so be it.

However, a word of warning. If you’re hitting the booze immediately after the exam, do yourself a favour and go to somewhere that also sells food. There’s nothing worse than not eating, peaking way too early, losing a bet to buy a bottle of Grey Goose, being drunk enough to actually follow through on that bet, drinking a considerable portion of the bottle yourself, having to be physically carried home at 11:30pm, subsequently locking yourself out of your own flat and having to wait until you’re awoken by your elderly building manager in the hall the next morning so that he can let you back in. Trust me.

Seriously, trust me.

Transitioning from day to night is crucial. You’ve enjoyed your first few drinks but this has only served to exacerbate your thirst. The night must go on, but there are a few things to consider now. Go home for a nap? Judge this for yourself. More food? Yes. Don’t question it. Just find some and eat it.

Seriously, it was a £77 bottle of fucking Grey Goose.

It’s now time for pre-drinks. No more holding back. Let’s whip out that bottle of Glen’s that you have stashed, and start drinking it like you have Ebola and the only cure is at the bottom of that bottle. You’ve already got your destination planned, so get those taxis booked and go fucking wild.

You’re on your own now, you beautiful bastard. Now make us proud and have the best night of your life.

If you’re not covered in drink stains, you’re not trying hard enough

Wash away all that knowledge that you’ve gained

The morning after – circa 1pm:

Hey, buddy. How do you feel? Rough? Yeah, well, maybe leave it until you’re feeling a little better before you look at all those horrific photos of you from last night on Facebook.

Oh, and just so you know, you’re legally not allowed within 500 feet of HiFi anymore.

Send help

Okay, so sure, you’re hungover. But fuck it; you deserved last night after all that work.

You might feel like shit now but you’ve got those ready meals in the fridge for later; so just get snuggled up in your (or whichever stranger you woke up next to’s) bed and lets ride this hangover out without one drop of guilt about not being in the library.

Note: If you’re reading this before your exams are finished, I wish you good luck. Which you will probably need, given the fact you’ve spent the last 15 minutes reading this instead of revising.