The Great Divide

A proud northerner, I’ll happily slate everything that you Southerner’s throw at me – Mummy and Daddy’s wallets included. So where is the dividing line, and how did the North grow up so differently to the South?

Don’t get me wrong, when in London – live like a Londoner. My obviously expensive, and recent visit comprised of a trip to Pret (your version of Greggs), shopping in Oxford Street and researching in Mayfair – which I can’t even afford a small plastic house for.

FAMILY & FRIENDS

With me mam’s Newcastle roots, and coming from a family of miners and RAF servicemen, I couldn’t be much more northern – even for Leeds. My friends are those since nursery, not acquaintances from boarding school who have the best parties in London and whose Dad is the best for Botox. But keep in there, you never know when you might need him.

FOOD ‘N DRINK

Fish should be battered with chips and salt and vinegar, served in newspaper. Not raw, and wrapped in pretentious little shapes that you Southern-types love to eat from a conveyor belt. Pie,chips and beans with a fried egg on top, Dad’s favourite. Corned beef stew, not gazpacho, oysters, and lobster linguine. I hope your gourmet excellence is still present as a student. Also, tea is a meal, not a cuppa at the Ritz.

HOME LIFE

Monopoly on a Saturday night before mam ‘n dad went out, weekly chores around the house, not hire in a cleaner. We’re looked after by our mam and immediate family, not struck off to boarding school or to be raised in the hands of an au pair. And a double bed was something that Uni has spoilt me with.

VALUE OF MONEY

You have none. Mummy and Daddy foot your phone bill (amongst others) which you regularly go over, send your best gift as a standing order and still spoil you when you’re home. Part-time job? Being a princess, obviously. Ever heard of a paper round? That’s how I earned money since I was 13, before waitressing and being a shop assistant at 15. Loan day is the richest a northerner has ever been, yet we still scrimp in the pound shops, while you’re’ budgeting’ in your caviar.

HOLIDAYS

Did the family vacate to travelling around Europe to look in on your model brother and ballerina sister this year? Did you road trip around America or visit the Seven Wonders of the World, or was that last year? We get a caravan in the Lake District, or at most a week in Turkey. Always rains.

The gap year, to you lot, that’s chilling in Thailand and working behind a bar at your leisure. To a northerner, that’s a get out of Uni free card, after two months, look for a job..there’s board to pay.

SPEECH

Just a few things:

1. ‘Sick’ is when your poorly.

2. ‘Peng’ that’s a noise, not a word.

3. ‘Safe’ is when you’re not in danger.

4. ‘Flat roofin’ – ours used to leak too.

5. ‘Smile’ – it won’t hurt you guys.

Are you a southern fresher who has recently migrated? To the better, down to earth region of the North where its under a tenner for a vodka mixer, and you don’t need to know a footballer to get into a club.

Welcome to Leeds. Where northerners and southerners find a mutual being in a country divided. Our geographical positioning is apart for a reason, you belong where the suits make the wrong decision, cash in and bugger off.

But it’s okay, we’ll work twice as hard to make sure you can have your ridiculous standard of living. No wonder the country’s a mess!