What uni really teaches you

Because the most valuable things you learn aren’t from a lecturer, are they?


With my university life drawing to an end, I’m in a reflective mood. It seems like just a minute ago my parents were moving me into halls.

I remember sitting on my bed, full of anticipation, and excited for the three years ahead of me.

In actual fact I don’t think anything could have prepared me for what actually became of “university”. In fact, id have probably got back in the car there and then, and opted for a much easier option, like teenage pregnancy or prison.

And there it was, my Freshers pack. Inside, samples of Cereal, Shower gel and condoms, and that was that I was going to get hungry, smelly and STI’s.

I found the student handbook that it came with the other day, I looked down the list of contents, and I saw the final chapter.. What you will learn from your time at Leeds University. Skimming through, all I could think was, horseshit. So that lead me here, to let you all know:

What university really teaches you

• Your £9000 a year is, in fact, a very expensive library membership.

• The true beauty of free food.

• Plug sockets are sacred.

• What your student loan really means is you can live like a king for one week a term.

• Clothes shopping is a thing of the past

• Don’t buy a hoody with your university’s name on it, unless you are being ironic, then go for it, students love irony.

•Deadlines mean nothing until 3 days before, then and only then will you get the motivation to start your essay.

• Join a society, those guys have all the fun.

• That guy you pull in that club in fresher’s week? Yeah he will be in your halls, probably down the corridor, probably next door.

• Fashion is no longer what famous people are wearing. People wear what the fuck they want. The older, smellier and uglier the better.

• Baggy sleeves are essential when you need to get coffee past the library police.

• Laptops break, a lot.

• Remember that iphone you just bought? Yeah that’s getting robbed, get used to your old Nokia 3310 being your phone for the term.

• Facebook, twitter, instagram, The Tab – they are the entire key to your procrastination nightmares.

• The death penalty should be reintroduced, simply for Landlords. That deposit? That’s going towards his yacht.

• 9am lectures are impossible, don’t even attempt them.

• Libraries are places of serious suicidal contemplation, take a friend.

• Deadlines will make you do things you never thought you’d do.

• Standards of men will no longer matter, a free meal is a free meal.

• 13 notifications on facebook? Each one about ‘Leeds hottest new night’.

• Naps are as important to students are they are to babies.

• First year doesn’t count, make the most of it.

• “Guestlist” means nothing, in fact there are usually more people on the Guestlist than not.

Old pasta jars are cheaper than buying glasses

• Flyerers are EVERYWHERE, head down.

• Nothing you read in a book wont be on Wikipedia faster and easier to copy and paste.

• Toilet roll is now your currency, it can be used in exchange for valuable things, like beans or alcohol.

• You only know who your true friends are when you’re vomiting.

• All those things you said you’d never do, even that, will be done at some point.

• If it’s free, you’ll drink it.

• Probably the most valuable thing you will get with your student card is a free cheeseburger.

• The north/south accent divide is vicious, there is no longer such a thing as ‘the midlands’. You are southern.

• All those jobs you meant to get done all term? Don’t worry deadline week will give you time to do it.

• Reading lists are just expensive lies to get more money off your parents, the library will have all the books you need.

• It really is the best three years of your life. Endure it and enjoy it.

Alice maintains her own blog, which you can check out here.