The Tab Guide to: Drugs

If you’re gonna do them, do them right.


Like a fat kid and cake or Oceana and Chlamydia, drugs and students are a natural complement.

Think about all those posters that gave everyone that individual-cum-refined, I’mactuallyreallyinteresting image in halls: Pulp Fiction, Hendrix, Scarface, Bob Marley, Prince Harry (just me then?) The connecting theme? Drugs.

Shit, David Bowie did so many he can’t even remember creating Station to Station, and that got a 9.5 on Pitchfork.

Bowie in space

Problem is, if you haven’t done many drugs before, then you’re going to want to at least pretend that you have, because drugs are cool and not doing drugs is not cool.

Don’t worry though, The Tab’s here to guide you through that character-building path of snorting your way through your loan, all in the hope that something slightly interesting will punctuate the Jeremy Kyle daytime marathons.

Weed

Taking the edge off everything and most likely subsidised by Get Baked, you’ll be hard-pressed to find a student that’s not at least once become a sUcKa 4 tHa HiGh GrAdE.

Although that one guy that smokes it every day will tell you that it’s not habit-forming and isn’t actually a drug, much like his views on ‘the system’ or living a productive life, he should be ignored.

It makes everything interesting and engrossing, which means you can find yourself in the most in-depth discussion about the plight of human consciousness; how we are just an efficient mechanism by which the universe experiences itself and that our cosmic journey of life and death is but a mere blink of our collective universal eye — though in reality all it’s likely to do is make that South Park episode you’re now watching for the fourth time slightly less boring.

It comes in different ‘strains’ which your dealer will all too kindly keep you up to date with, texting you names ranging from piffledank3000 to grandmaster-purple-espresso-snowflake. It also comes in other forms such as hash or ‘thai’, but if this makes you think about anything other than how much of a loser your dealer must be, you’re probably smoking it too much.

As an aside, it’s also statistically less dangerous than recreational sports, so keep that in mind next time someone asks if you want to go for a kickabout.

MDMA

A staple of any Flux-goers diet, MD comes in either a powdery/crystal form or as pills. The main effect it has is to turn you into a vibrant bubble of love-giving happiness, floating through smoking areas to ask people if they’re having a good night. All awkwardness fizzles away and you’ll feel compelled to tell strangers how much you love them, ‘this night’ and ‘this DJ’s set’. Even a bouncer would probably turn into a decent person. Probably.

However, Newton said something to the effect of “What comes up must come down” – and while it’s still up for discussion as to whether Isaac loved himself a warehouse rave – his second law applies to MDMA.

When the up comes inevitably crashing down, MD will leave you walking back to your house as families are taking their children to school – the curious look on that seven-year old’s face acting as a piercing mirror; reflecting the diseased potential that now wracks your hollowed soul.

You’ll arrive back to your slum of a house having written the next day off, with comfort only to be found curled-up in your bed and playing your “chilled ambient” playlist. Oh, and don’t think solid foods are on the menu for the next 16 hours either.

Ketamine

You know that one friend who’s a bit weird, you’re not quite sure why they’re actually your friend, and yet you hang around with them anyway because they at least guarantee something of interest will happen? That’s ket.

Originally used by vets to tranquilise horses, at least one person then had the bright idea of using it on humans, and it’s been popular ever since.

The chemical equivalent of surrendering your limbs to a puppeteer, K makes you notoriously ‘wonky’ and causes you to walk like a bellend. You become disassociated from your reality, trying to make sense of the objects that are now violating your eye space while occasionally slurring a sentence of pigeon English together. So naturally, Leeds goes mental for it.

Spit the drip bro

Cocaine

Rich and beautiful people do cocaine. It therefore follows that if you take it you’ll be rich and beautiful. Welcome to Coke LogicTM.

It’s the same logic that makes statements like “snort it off my balls” seem reasonable and prioritises another gram over next week’s food shopping. You probably don’t need me to tell you what a carpet-sniffing fiend this drug’ll make you, but then again you probably don’t need me to tell you how little you’ll care for this advice when you’re the most confident, attractive, funniest person in the world; which is exactly how coke makes you for the best part of the night.

After that, you’re either hating yourself for not actually being that cool, or running to the nearest ATM to get another £50 out.

Expensive and – despite your mate totally knowing a guy who can get bare good flake – the stuff you buy is usually 50% Daz.

Mephedrone

If Cocaine’s the glamorous, well-bred son of aristocracy, then Mephedrone is its fucked up twin – separated at birth and fed on an exclusive diet of smart price coke and turkey twizzlers.

Oh, but don’t take my word for it:

A picture says a thousand words and at 25 frames a second, that’s a fucking dissertation.

When it first hit the scene it was legal, and as a result served as an effective vehicle for sixth formers to embarrass themselves. Such a powerful drug that it made people actually like dubstep – a side effect so devastating that a decision was quickly made to ban it.

Of course, all that means is the stuff you’re buying now is just of a worse quality. £15 will get you a gram and send you into an internal gurn-tastic paradise where the intensity of everything rushes over you — and you love it. It’ll also get you a chewed-up mouth and a lot of judgements made about your character.

Laughing Gas

The lazy entrepreneur’s wet-dream. Any house party that hasn’t devolved into six guys crowding round the iPod in the kitchen by midnight will have someone making a killing by selling this, and you may not know it, but you’re likely already familiar with it due to it essentially being the same gas that propels whipped cream onto a girl’s tits in Tequila.

The vehicle of delivery is a balloon, which you blow in and out of for as long as possible. The result of this is that the oxygen in your brain’s replaced by nitrous oxide, causing your brain to essentially short-circuit and trip out for a good 30 seconds.

You’ll also find it hard to get a solid description out of someone who’s just done it as one’s not in the most articulate of states afterwards. I mean, it’s almost as if your brain’s been deprived of oxygen and replaced with an inert gas.


Now we’re not saying do them, and we’re not saying don’t do them. Yes, if you’re boring, they’ll make you interesting for a few hours, and when used in moderation they’re probably no worse for you than alcohol.

The best place to hide drugs is in your bloodstream

That said, keep in mind the general rules (nothing good happens after 5am, not on your own, watch out for the po-po) and you the rest, my friend, is up to you.