How to Win a Union Election

Wondering what techniques will bag you that lovely sabbatical position? Look no further.


So you’ve been a course rep, a school rep, a halls rep, module rep and a reps rep a few times and you’re wondering where next to take your shameless Facebook snoozing and committee circle-jerk? Luckily – as always – The Tab is here to help.

The great debate for the Union Leadership Race is underway. Hallways plastered in printer credits, our candidates have utilised name rhyming, literation and the rule of three, all in order to grab our attention and part with our voting card in their box on Monday. But what topics really resonate with the Leeds psyche. What techniques grab a student’s attention and home a message?

Topical Issues

If it’s not on the Daily Mail, we couldn’t care less. Israel’s west bank barrier may well be the most grotesque monument of the modern era and their second class policy to Palestinians analogous to apartheid. But, unless it’s goss on who Harry Styles smashed at Leodis, no one’s listening and it isn’t getting votes.

Get your tits out for the LUU

Nothing says respectable like getting your friends to snap photos of you in the buff and post it all around campus. Though the flimsy, illegible cardboard message covering your fruits has retained an air of class, the imagination still runs wild and conversations ensue:

“Why is she naked?”

“Seriously, I don’t understand why she is naked?”

“Do I have her thighs?”

Though they say all publicity is good publicity…

 

 

Make a difference of real change…

… Listening to your voices, with a changing effect on the union to make a real difference…for you.

‘To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing’. Aristotle said that and he wrote a book on this. Learn, revise and replicate! However, by standing in nothing, you’re standing for everything, Key to the unnecessary nudity technique

Is the pure ambiguity of your (non) manifesto. No-one wants lengthy credentials and prospects walking to Roger Stevens but soft core porn and bitching.

Communism is dead!

Communism never came and isn’t coming back. Trotsky is dead, Marx is dead. No one wants to live in 1920’s Russia. Please return to the Parkinson steps.

24hr Libraries

Why smash out my essay by 12 when I can procrastinate till 3?

Minority Vote

How many Apache Red Indians do you actually think attend here? Don’t bother it isn’t going to get you in. Whist your whimsical attempt at campaigning for a ‘black’ student representative position may on the thin surface appear in good stead for the diversity vote (*cough* Red Slate). Having an enormous group of tenuously linked people spanning continents identity, philosophy and culture unified and packaged into one representative, solely on the basis of their skin colour. Whilst this may sound revolutionary to some, we should probably continue with representation through individual political ideology.

Crippling Alcoholism

Can’t consume twice your body weigh in alcohol – are you even trying!? If you haven’t had a self-abuse video go viral with a propagating shock story about your self-abuse. You’re really not suited for the health, fitness and well-being, activities officer.

Harlem Shake

Express your manifesto through the medium of dance; really enable people to identify with your personality and desperation.