It’s Time to Move On If…

It’s hard maintaining a relationship at university considering all the time you spend studying, as well as the multitude of distractions there are within Leeds.

With that said, it’s time to move on if

1. You can’t be bothered to sleep with them because you’ve just changed your sheets
2. Your friend asks you to point them out in the gym, to which you respond ‘the one in the Van Vieng Tubing beater’
3. You check their phone; the contact list consists of entries such as, ‘fit fresher MINT’, ‘fit hockey girl BED’, ‘fit third year TERRACE’
4. …you check their phone…
5. You spend Friday mornings freeze-framing the Tequila videos trying to work out if it’s them in the background groping a Tequila Girl

If the shoe fits…

6. All that’s been getting you through your morning essay-writing-stint is the thought of sushi for lunch. Yet upon seeing them in the queue for Sesame you head to Essentials and subsequently pick your way through a crusty old ploughmans
7. Your idea of a treat is doing a sweep of the chocolate isle in Sainsbury’s. Theirs is keeping the egg yolk in their omelette
8. They don’t believe your ‘housemate has just broken up with her boyfriend’ excuse for not seeing them…so you make your housemate break up with her boyfriend to avoid seeing them
9. They say, ‘I’ve never met someone who likes missionary so much’…no one likes missionary that much
10. Upon seeing them in the queue you ninja out of Sainsbury’s Local, forgetting the milk and suffering the wrath of your tea-thirsty housemates in the process11. During sex they have more eye contact with your dressing table mirror, than you
…and in doing so often flex at their own reflection…
12. They wont have sex with you ‘to conserve testosterone for the bench press’
13. Rather than get a wax you try to convince them that ‘vadge coif’s’ are totally in this season. If they’re not worth a £14 wax, they’re not worth a minute more of your time
14. In the morning they have to open the curtains to check it’s you
15. They can’t see you because they are ‘going to pick up’
16. The only time they are complimentary is when they’re on MDMA
17. You find random girls items in their room and they try to convince you it’s yours. Ok that generic gold hoop earring might be mine but I wouldn’t be seen dead in that floral pashmina.
18. When you tell them you’re ready to take things to the next level, they agree…and then flip you over19. You are so comfortable together that when they ask to do ‘doggie’, you bark
20. You tell them you’re too tired to walk to Hyde Park Road. You live on Ash Grove
21. The only stains on your sheets when they leave are of teary mascara…or kebab
22. They only ever invite you over on the pretence you stop off at midnight munchies
23. For valentines day they take you to midnight munchies
24. They refer to going down on you as ‘performing cunny lingus’ Warning: This does not mean he is proficient in the Latin tongue (which would be a massive turn on), he has simply spent too long on urban dictionary and thus WILL fail to give you an orgasm
25. They are on ‘roids’
26. They ask you to call them ‘goose’ or ‘maverick’ in bed…or EVER! Men; Top Gun is NOT a film about two men asserting their masculinity. It is about planes and two guys wanting to bone each other

Now kiss!

27. They call you ‘boo’. Excuse me, you are not Usher and not least because of your below average penis size
28. Their internet history reads;

Fb-name of fit first year

Fb-name of fit first year

Fb-name of fit first year

Fb-name of fit first year

Fb-name of fit first year

Fb-name of ex girlfriend

Fb-name of ex girlfriend

Fb-name of ex girlfriend

Fb-name of ex girlfriend

Fb-name of ex girlfriend

Fb-name of your 16 year old sister

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Inspired by the genuine experiences of Leeds University Students