How To Be Awesome In The Gym

BNOC nominee Whalley is back to tell Tab readers how to pump iron in style

It’s been a long time since my last article – which told you how to keep it awesome in the library. Despite the allegations of sexism that followed, leaving me soaked through with Hatorade, after a warm soapy shower I’m back. And this time I’m talking Gym time.

2012 was an awesome year. The Mayans assured us that the world would end, so I sold all my earthly belongings and am currently selling blood and semen (at a premium) in order to buy them all back again. One thing I didn’t sell however was my gym membership. The gym, once a sanctity of sweat created by the delectable combination of lycra and iron is now overrun by large groups of Freshers and ‘seasonal’ gym goers.

Always remember to look fabulous

When I began writing these articles I promised myself I wouldn’t write anything about the gym, it was ‘too cringe’ and whereas other articles can be laughed at as ‘clearly a joke’ this was a far more serious matter! The issue has gone too far. Our sacred Edge has become infested by the aforementioned ‘seasonal’ gym goers.

Obviously we all must start somewhere. The rise towards the Coliseum demands great determination. However you’re more likely to find horsemeat in your burger than see these weak willed individuals last the month. Despite all their resolutions you know that by mid-February they are right back in their old routines of slobbery!

So here’s how to get it right:

Ready for that January pump

Everyone talks about ‘getting their pump on’ in the gym. For me, comparing ‘gun size’ along with checking abs are probably my favourite exercises. But what happens if you spot a rival gymer and you are without pump?! The pre pump is essential, just crack out some press-ups in the changing room so once you get upstairs you look jacked as hell!

Lighting is also essential to a good gym session; try to work out about a foot back from a ceiling bulb to get the best view of your abs! Subtlety is key when checking the 6er, you don’t want to just lift your top up and proclaim to the room “these are my abs”, instead slyly wipe the sweat from your brow with the bottom of your tee for more of an “ooops are those my abs?” approach.

Our greatest fear as human beings is having our efforts go unnoticed. If I rack out a monster set of curls I want people to know about it! To get the best viewing figures I like to self-publicise, by this I mean screaming loudly on the last few reps and giving a Ron Burgundyesque rep count…you’ve got to let people know, otherwise really what is the point of coming?

Additionally, if there is any opportunity to do any exercise in the ‘girls’ section of the gym – take it. One thing I know is every girl loves a sweaty man and if like me, your gym face is the same as your sex face then that’s one awkward conversation out the way.

Who needs leg day?

One thing that every man dreads is leg day, not necessarily the day itself, but the days after which are more painful than a broken banjo! This is why trackie bottoms were invented: to cover up your mini pins like Lance Armstrong’s drug problem! If this whole Pristorious fiasco has taught us anything it is that legs aren’t top of a girl’s priorities when finding a mate.