Campus Safari: Gym Bro

This week The Tab gets up close and personal with Uni’s most volatile beast yet.

| UPDATED campus safari gym bro weights

The Gym Bro (Avoidus Cardio) is a reclusive creature rarely found outside of The Edge weights section, which is surprising considering its lack of equal muscle definition. This is most often attributed to its inferior brain capacity, which is believed to be programmed at birth with the biological algorithm of biceps/chest/biceps/chest/biceps on a daily alternation.

This unfriendly specimen communicates only in grunts and snarls, most often directed at those encroaching into its press-up space or telling it for the thousandth time to stop curling in the fucking squat rack. If you are one of these valiant souls brave enough to approach, do so at your own peril; the Gym Bro has been known to consume so much Creatine and Jack3D that it will not think twice about literally tearing off your face in a bloodthirsty rage.

Draping itself in the finest fashions that the Malia strip has to offer, the Gym Bro is a big fan of muscle-related slogans on its apparel; ‘No Pecs, No Sex’ or ‘Eat Clean, Train Dirty’ are worn as badges of pride. These tank tops are cut into obscene shapes, the main goal being to repel surrounding uncomfortable males by showing as much nipple as humanely possible.

If the purposeful nip-slips make you uncomfortable, then it is perhaps best to avoid letting your eyes venture below the Gym Bro’s waist. Their shorts manage to be both tiny and baggy at the same time, meaning that there is a no-holds-barred approach to genital exposure. This is known to cause a combination of repulsion and wincing sympathy from other males, especially on colder days.

Certain other noticeable traits will alert you to a Gym Bro on campus when outside of their natural habitat. Perhaps their choice of Toms as footwear- even though no one in their right minds wears fucking Toms to the gym- or maybe the use of a protein shaker as a drinking vessel at all times of day to let you know, with all the subtlety of a punch in the jaw, that they are a gym-goer. The most tell-tale sign of a Gym Bro, however, is in the Frankenstein-like mismatch of upper-to-lower body ratio. When one has no friends, the mantra of “friends don’t let friends skip leg day” is sadly useless.