The Superbowl and You

It may just be an excuse to get drunk but at least pretend to be interested in what’s on the TV


It’s that time of the year again, so don’t get caught out. Here’s our fool-proof guide to pretending that you care about American football, and aren’t merely using it as an excuse to get blind drunk.

LEARN THE TEAMS

This is the first, and easiest, step. Most NFL teams are named after majestic birds, ferocious animals or ancient armies, so if someone asks who you support, pick one of these categories and stick with it. One such team is playing this year, the ‘Ravens’; the other is called the ‘49ers’, though numbers are often difficult to commit to memory so probably best to leave that one alone. Fans often paint themselves to show support; if you do, try and make sure that your chosen team name matches the coloured paint dripping down your sweaty drunken face.

 

GET PATRIOTIC

Remember the Olympics, when you sort-of fancied the queen and got all teary whenever you heard the words ‘Britain’, ‘London’ or ‘Jessica Ennis’? This is how Americans feel about their country, but all the fucking time. It is therefore advisable that, to avoid looking suspect, you start getting as emotional as humanely possible as soon as the American national anthem begins. Tears are always a plus; if they don’t come willingly, smear toothpaste under your eyes and try and picture the first ten minutes of Up.

 

DRINK AMERICAN-STYLE

If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that American parties rely on an endless supply of red plastic cups. They won’t transform your dingy Hyde Park shithole into Alpha-Beta-Pi or whatnot, but at least it’ll be less washing up for the next day. The most popular drink for such parties seems to be any normal beer with ‘lite’ on the end; if you struggle to find this, merely dilute a regular beer with a healthy amount of tap water. Another popular pastime is the act of attaching two cans of beer to a helmet and drinking them through a straw: you’ll have hours of fun showing your guests that you can booze hands-free, even when you’ve very quickly remembered that drinking beer through a straw makes it taste like carbonated rat’s piss.

 

IMITATE FRAT BOYS

We’re not in Edward Ciderhands territory anymore; if you want to make your party a winner, you’re going to have to impress with some yank-style drinking games. The most popular is beer-pong, a game in which opposing teams try and bounce ping pong balls into rival cups full of beer, which the losers must then empty. To celebrate the occasion, however, beer-football is allegedly the most popular variation; with just 120×53.3ft² of grassy terrain, twelve beer-filled wheelie bins and an oblong ball, you can create your own alcoholic version of the Superbowl that’s fun for all shapes and sizes.

 

 

PRETEND TO KNOW YOUR SHIT

Try and remember certain words from all those days of Madden 04 on the PS2. There’s ‘touchdown’, obviously, and ‘interception’. They also seemed to say ‘defense’ and ‘offense’ a lot, but in a strange accent where the emphasis is all wrong. To impress your guests, try screaming any of these words with your arms above your head whenever something of interest seems to happen. If someone asks you a Superbowl-related question to which you don’t know the answer, distract them by shouting ‘TOUCHDOWN’ and aggressively launching your drink at the floor. In the ensuing confusion, make a swift exit.

 

DON’T PANIC

Let’s be honest, everyone is as clueless as you. As long as you drunkenly cheer occasionally and provide some nachos, we’re sure you’ll pull it off. Just don’t blame us when that American exchange student you’ve met once or twice corners you in the kitchen for a chat about the game.