Campus Safari: Rugby Lad

The Rugby Lad (Tyrannosaurus Pecs) is the top of the Leeds food chain; a gentle giant on campus, but a dangerous predator on the pitch. This means that it has very little problem hunting – especially with their most common target, the rugby groupie, who has often been known to offer itself up as prey after hearing that story about their winning conversion, or the night that they ‘smashed’ fourteen pints in five minutes.

This specimen can most often be recognised in large groups, often identifiable by their matching tracksuit bottoms. However one of the most striking features of the Rugby Lad is the abundance of muscles in places that no-one even knew existed; a trait that regularly causes gym-bound freshers to become slack-jawed and gasp “Dude, what do you even call that extra bump between your bicep and tricep?”

Though at first an intimidating creature, the Rugby Lad is not as aggressive as it may appear, and can be quite harmless if one does not get in its way. If you do come to befriend one of these specimens, be prepared to strain your neck and ears; they have a tendency to speak very loudly, and they all seem to be about twelve-feet tall.

However, whilst the Rugby Lad’s intimidating size is most often only used as a weapon against fellow members of its species, it can easily turn nasty. Many an unwitting student has been crushed, Mufasa-style, in a stampede of pink ties and blue collars as they unwittingly try to purchase a drink at the front bar in Bed on a Wednesday night. The rugby lad will stop at nothing in its hunt for alcohol, and many have perished beneath this unstoppable rampage of chino-tinted vodka lust.

Alcohol is catnip for the Rugby Lad, and it sure slips down a treat: Jäger, vodka, piss, beer, cider, wine, piss, tequila, Sambuca, vomit, piss – you name it, they’ll drink it. Their seemingly unlimited alcohol capacity is the stuff of legend, and their creativity with bodily fluids is what yearly makes rugby freshers quake with fear at the thought of initiations.

When encountering the Rugby Lad, therefore, take caution. Though they have a heart of gold, they can easily underestimate their strength; especially when under the influence of alcohol. To avoid crushed fingers from a handshake gone wrong or a snapped spine from a manly hug you just couldn’t handle, perhaps its best to stay at a distance and awkwardly nod. At least that way you won’t be made to drink any piss.