North versus South

…And why the North wins

After recent outbursts of aggression about the North/South divide on the Leeds Uni Confessions page, I feel the time has come to explain the view of the Northeners. It’s not that we hate Southerners, it’s just that Northerners are friendlier, better people.

I live so far in the North that I hardly count Leeds as being Northern, and I speak with a Geordie accent.

However, ‘one’ is the uttermost farthest away from the Northern stereotype ‘one’ can get, ‘one’ is sorry, but ‘oneself’ takes vast pleasure in coming home and bathing in ‘ones’ £50 notes (I’ve never seen a £50 note), eating ‘ones’ weight load in caviar (I’m so poor I’m vegetarian) and one would not be seen dead without ‘ones’ Jimmy Choos (cough, Primark’s finest, cough).

I’m only joking, obviously my dad is a hardcore miner, I’m so used to cold temperatures I’ve forgotten what the sun looks like, and with thanks to Geordie shore, I’m a massive slag.


Charles Morris

In relation to our on going social decadence, Leeds have generously provided an area for the upper class to congregate in the form of Charles Morris halls for the potential rich and famous. To enter the realms of Charles Morris, daddy must have purchased you a pony for your 5th birthday, you have some relation to the royal family and saying “overdraft” is a bit like saying Voldemort.

Unfortunately, being a ‘poor’ northerner, I didn’t experience the luxuries that were hidden in Charles Morris and instead was subjected to the palace that was Leodis student residences. Throughout the course of the year in my flat alone, a chunk of my bathroom ceiling fell on to me, more pigeons than people lived on my floor, my towel rack fell off the wall, we had a fire, the freezer door fell off, the patio doors never closed and more importantly, we were on first time name basis with the maintenance man because our light bulbs blew every single week.


 Queens English

A problem close to my heart is my lacking ability at apparently being able to “speak properly”, which for the record, I do genuinely pronounce as “speak propah”. My appreciation for language barriers between me and the southern population is slowly dwindling. “Howay!” is an appropriate term to express outrage, to describe someone as “canny” is a compliment, and when I want “ket”, I want sweeties, not any form of horse tranquilizer.

Perhaps Geordie Shore has done the North no favours in amending our stereotype and I feel the need to petition for the abolition of “tash on” (meaning to kiss). However, you Southerners have some questionable choices when concerning colloquial terms that you have brought into my life. “Butters” is just confusing, “cotch” sounds way too much like ‘crotch’ and “bare” to means lots of, is beyond my comprehension.


The weather

Controversially, on a daily basis, I see some Southern genius in shorts complaining about how “grim it is up North” as he parades around Leeds in the rain… in his shorts and flip flops.

Really, this speaks for itself. Moron.

Unfortunately these Southerners voicing their hatred for the North on Leeds Uni Confessions seem to be forgetting that had Yorkshirebeen an independent country, they would have been 12th in the Olympics medals table. The North made the Olympics this year.

It goes without saying, if you are Southern, you’re just not as good.