Grab My Organs

“After being struck by poverty as soon as I accepted my UCAS offer, there have been many days when I look into my fridge and all I see is the light”


After being struck by poverty as soon as I accepted my UCAS offer, there have been many days when I look into my fridge and all I see is the light. Fortunately, that light in my fridge guided me to genius ideas; we’ve all tried selling cakes, cookies and our old junk in car boot sales, but here I give you my student guide to selling your organs.

I cannot possibly be the only student considering this; after all, I’d rather be selling my organs than selling my body (if you know what I mean). But then, with most of my genius plans, I hit some glitches… what organs can I live without? Is having two lungs just being greedy? Is a pancreas really a necessity? What is the selling rate for organs? How much is the VAT going to sting me? Of course, like most of us, I turned to the one I trust most for my answers to life, the one in which I treat like the Holy Grail: Google.

You are able to live a perfectly normal life, one kidney down. 

Next time you see that Topshop dress in the store window, you don’t have to walk away. Rip out your kidney and offer up a trade – don’t forget your NUS discount! Remember, no pain no gain. Get ripping.

Breathe with one lung.

That’s right, one lung and you’re still fine! But vigorous exercise is pretty much a no go area – if you’re one of those people who get out of breath walking to the fridge and back, you know what I mean when I say I felt nothing but sheer relief when I found this out. However, by means of caution, if you’re going to show this guide to your flatmates, that girl who enjoys her fair bit of vigorous exercise, otherwise known as the screamer (every flat has one), might need take a vow of celibacy. Or grow organs back … but that’s a story for another time.

Don’t ever sell your liver.
You’re a student. Trust me on this one, no one wants it. You’d have to pay them to take it. And they’d still get rid of it.

Find a way into the Black Market.
Apparently, selling your organs in the UK is illegal. Who’d have known? But, like with everything, there is a loophole (story of Jimmy Carr’s life) in the welcoming arms of the Black Market. Of course Google does not tell you how to get into the Black Market, whether there is an admission fee, whether it is invite only… it would seem that the World Wide Web does keep some things private, contrary to popular belief. So if you find out, do tell.

Controversially, against my original enthusiasm for ripping out my organs I failed to mention I have a phobia of blood. Without a fear of pain, my fear of thick red liquid rends organ selling a mute point. But next time you go through your bus station, I am the girl trying to sell you my hair clippings and prying off my fingernails. Give me a hug; I’m a student, skint and starving.