Growing Up And Ninjas

I was sitting in the tub with Napoleon, my rubber duck, not my penis (that’s called Moby) and I was thinking about what to write my next article about. I was thinking about something that every university student could relate to and so I thought I’d write an article about growing up.

Ninja fact 1) Ninjas don’t fall in love they glide into it gracefully with 2 swords drawn.

I’m in my third year and I realized a couple of nights ago that I’m starting to do some of that growing up thing everyone’s been harping on about. This realization came to me whilst I was in the well renowned peddler of unplanned STD’s and pregnancies that is Space nightclub. Space has mirrored walls which meant I had no choice but to take a long hard look at myself, I wasn’t happy with what I saw although I couldn’t help but notice I have great hair.

Ninja fact 2) Ninjas write with black ink on black paper.            

I was in Space and I lost some of my faith in humanity. I saw a boy go and hump the back of a girl until she turned around and got off with him. I later saw them leaving the club together with that weird we’re making out but also walking up stairs tekkers that only students can manage. I couldn’t help but imagine that they wouldn’t actually have spoken to each other in all of the time they’d been in the club. Call me old fashioned but the first words you say to a girl should be something like “Hello my names William and it’s lovely to meet you.” Not “Do you mind if I leave it in?” or “who are you? Where am I? And why are we both covered in peanut butter?”

Ninja fact 3) Ninjas don’t believe in god, god believes in Ninjas.

I’m not sure how it happened or why but I’ve grown up. I saw someone drop a plate the other day and instead of shouting WEEEEY! I just helped him pick it up. I go joyriding on a bicycle now and no longer consider student medical trials a job. I took a massive poo the other day and instead of photographing it and sending it to my friends I just flushed. And as I watched the mighty brown log go under I couldn’t help but feel I was flushing away my youth.

Ninja fact 4) Charlie Chaplain once came second in a Charlie Chaplain lookalike competition … the winner was a ninja.

A couple of footnotes to this article:

1) Calling my penis Moby is a reference to the 19^th century literary masterpiece Moby Dick not to the exceptionally mediocre techno DJ. Although I guess they are both bold so it works visually for either.

2) I put my actual number at the end of my last article and no one called … fuck you all.

Ninja fact 5) The X in Ninja is silent … and invisible.