Varsity Rugby Line-ups

Rugby social sec Dan Oliver takes us through the squad bidding to win Wednesday’s headline event.

1. Tom Margetson
Position: Prop
Dimensions: 5’11 113kg
Fact: Got to boot camp on the X factor.

2. George Wheeler
Hooker
5’11 87kg
Employed locally as a Kevin Sinfield impersonator.

3. Seb Lumsden
Prop
6’ 100kg
Dropped out of beauty school before coming to Leeds.

4. Pierce Philips
Lock
6’’8 106kg
Of no fixed address. He is homeless.

 

5. Tom Baines
Lock
6’4 96kg
Has never been in a gym.

6. Ollie Roberts
Flanker
6’1 90 kg
Talks about himself in the third person as ‘big Ollie’

7. Louis Timpany
Flanker
5’10 89 kg
Drives a hairdresser’s car

8. Guy Van der Dries
Number 8
6’4 95kg
Is a cousin of former Tottenham footballer Rafael Van der Vaart.

 

9. James Munro
Scrum-half
5’11 84kg
Has never ventured outside of Yorkshire.

10. William Magie
Fly-half
6’1 45kg
Canadian u20 international.

11. Alex Beaumont
Left wing
6’2 93kg
Has 11 toes.

12. Charlie Foley
Inside centre
6’2 91kg
Used to work as a circus clown, he loved getting pied.

13. Kyle Dench
Outside centre
5’10 91kg
The youngest player in the squad, looks a bright prospect.

14. James Twomey
Right wing
6’1 93kg
Once raced a cheetah and won.

15. Alex Letowski
Full back
6’2 46kg
A devout christian, Alex believes in no sex before marriage.

 

16. Ben Holden
6’ 100kg
An aspiring member of the Conservative Party. Leeds Rhinos supporter.

17. Daniel Lawrence
6’ 97kg
Biggest fingers in the club.

18. Tom Bond
5’4 112kg
Models himself on Arnold Schwarzenegger.

19. Callum Turner
6’4 95kg
Once snapped the bar whilst squatting.

20. Ian McCaul
6’2 93kg
Auditioned to be in greet street, but Elijah Wood is more aggressive.

21. Daniel Oliver
5’11 84kg
Is the happiest member of the club, always smiling.

22. Adam Marshall
6’2 90kg
Once played women’s rugby for Yorkshire.

23. James Conville
6’ 70kg
Internet sensation, he has over 2.5 million views.

 

Former Social Sec and popular player Chris Parsons will once again miss out on the chance to play in the Varsity rugby final due to a recurring knee injury.

Parsons played himself into contention to start the match against Leeds Met on Wednesday 3 September 2012, however another injury setback has denied his last chance at playing in the Varsity finale.

‘A couple of the injured lads will be on the touchline, giving out water and things, but I think I’ll be in the stands for a bit of atmosphere and maybe a few beers’

Parsons will be hoping that this disappointment is the first and only of his final season in Leeds.

‘If I played I’d be in danger of ruining the entire season, instead I’m hoping to get match fit and have a successful last season in Leeds.’

Snip’s absence will be felt on and off the pitch due to his popularity, and the rest of the squad will hope to welcome back their former social sec from injury sooner rather than later.