How to be awesome

It’s been a long journey in my life coming from a small fat Scotsman into the fine lady killing specimen I am today! Through this “how to” column I plan to enlighten all of Leeds in the arts of how to achieve this high level of awesomeness on a day to day basis. The step by…


Girls, Girls, Girls I just can’t say no

It’s been a long journey in my life coming from a small fat Scotsman into the fine lady killing specimen I am today! Through this “how to” column I plan to enlighten all of Leeds in the arts of how to achieve this high level of awesomeness on a day to day basis. The step by step guide will train you from the mundane individual you are today into a modern day Hercules of the social battlefield.

Step 1- in order to mould yourself into someone awesome you must first decide upon a template or a mentor. This is usually someone famous, most commonly chosen are people with swag and purpose, these people epitomise “the boy.” The number one example is of course is David “should probably be king of the world” Beckham! David is what I would describe as nice guy awesome; he’s just so bloody nice that every guy wants to be his mate, his hair flows from his head like a waterfall of golden awesome, his jaw could cut through diamond and he has a smile that could melt the steeliest of hearts…no homo.

Step 2- You got to get some fresh crepes man! Take a week off drinking and potentially eating save up some cash money and go get well dressed. It’s not just the clothes you wear but how you wear them, if I see one more person with their shirts tucked into their boxers I will personally Chuck Norris that virgin in the mouth!!! Another thing, if you’re not well dressed all the time bitches will start judging you, look your best 100% of the time. Barney Stinson sleeps in a suit, he might be uncomfortable but playa gets tail!

Step 3- haters ARE GONNA HATE! It’s better to be the one being hated on than being the Hater, always bring yourself up and never put others down as it shows insecurity and gives the Haters more reason to spill their Hatorade all over you. If some World of Warcraft-loving virgin steps to you and calls you arrogant it’s just because they’re jealous, shrug it off and prove that you’re better than this meek individual.

Further to these steps are a series of 10 simple rules, dos and do nots, related to being awesome

  1. DO separate yourself from the crowd; I just bought a pink umbrella for £4.45, not because I wanted it but because no other man has one.
  2. DON’T let a female tell you what to do, that’s just gay!
  3. DO smell good…all the time!  The oldest insult in the book ‘you stinky poo’ still relates to university students, so get yourself showered in some JPG
  4. DO watch chick flicks, you’re not too cool for them so stop pretending!
  5. DO surround yourself with fellow awesomeees (plural of awesome) “a man is known and is judged of by the company that he keeps”- Isaiah 48.22…that’s the BIBLE!!!
  6. DO call everyone bro, even your Mum…I call my mum bro and she call’s me bro, so if you’re not calling everyone bro then my mum is more awesome than you (which she is)
  7. DON’T ever put hoes over broes….EVER.
  8. DO always wear wellies when you go paddling, bare back riders have chlamydia.
  9. DON’T get so drunk that you’re ‘that guy,’ nobody likes that guy!
  10. DO get a tan (it’s not girly), vampires are lame as puck!

Truthfully being awesome takes a lot of work but if you follow these steps and rules and hopefully you too can become awesome…fingers crossed, don’t buy a pink umbrella though, that’s my thing!