Batch cooking and gossip: A spotters’ guide to the Lancs mum friend

Do you posses a sixth sense for people’s locations in Sugar?


They’re a rare and special brand of person, the Mum Friend. Honestly, I don’t think we would cope without them: they keep us on track, keep us safe on a night out, fuss over us and are generally wholesome. The Lancs breed seem to be particularly prevalent, they’re everywhere. Think you might be one? Here’s our handy spotters guide to figuring out if you might be the Mum Friend of your friend group.

You’re the first to offer to walk people home on a night out

Your friends have finished in Sugar for the night, and to be honest, you’re about done too. It’s getting late, and you offer to walk them home. Every. Single. Time. No matter if you end up going back to the party, you can’t relax until you know they are home safe and happy. A text won’t cut it, no, you have to see it with your own two eyes.

You’ve got a fully stacked medical kit in your bag…

Tissues, plasters, Ibuprofen – if anything is wrong, you are the walking pharmacy that everyone comes to. You are in control in an emergency, and know exactly what to do and who to phone. You can deal with lost phones, locked out friends, drunk Infirmary visits without batting an eyelid, all whilst radiating the quiet, calm energy of someone’s mum.

… and you know everyone’s allergies

Your friend is drunk at a Halloween party and snacks are being passed round. They are about to take a biscuit and you launch over towards them, claws out. “No!” You cry. “What is in them?” Everyone collectively remembers the deadly nut allergy, but you remembered it first.

You know everyone’s location in Sugar

It’s a strange sixth sense to have, but one you somehow possess. When it’s time to leave as a group, you can round everyone up, reaching out like a cowboy with a lassoo and gathering everyone in from the darkness with barely a second glance. You know where all your children are, mother hen.

You batch cook

Millions or portions of chilli con carne? No problem, just an ordinary Sunday. You have no issues with pulling your Tupperware out of the freezer in a full-on, Blue Peter, here’s-one-I-made-earlier style. You are prepared beyond belief, and on those cold winter nights when you get back late and don’t want to cook, it becomes more than worth it.

You have more cleaning supplies than Mrs Hinch

Your house is definitely the cleanest that anyone has ever been in. We’re all in awe of your abilities with the antibacterial spray and cloth, and don’t even get me started on the hoovering powers you possess. You like things neat and tidy, and this really shows in the way you live.

You listen to podcasts

You’re an intellectual, and you like to be educated.

Alright, let’s be honest, it’s mainly true crime and comedy, but you can still say that you listen to podcasts, which a fancy and very adultish thing to say that you do. You can sit on the top deck of the 100, staring out of the window, feeling smug.

Your room is covered in photos and fairy lights

You have the decorating skills down. The pictures are everywhere, and they are wholesome beyond belief. Your phone lockscreen is probably a picture of your family as well.

You made the group chats…

You were definitely the person who went round everyone in your module and got their Snapchat or WhatsApp so that you could make the big group chat and learn everyone’s name at the same time.

… and you organise the plans in them

Most people only use said group chat to ask about readings and how to submit coursework. You? You ask what everyone is doing that evening and whether anyone else wants to have a movie night, or go out for pres? It’s forced friendship that becomes real friendship, all through instigating plans, and whilst it does scream “Mum organising playdate for children” on occasion, it really works.

There’s nothing you like more than a good gossip

You’re a bit of a nosy parker, and you’re not ashamed to admit it. You know everything that is going on in everyone’s life, and it’s through a combination of people telling you things, detective skills, sleuthing, asking the right questions and impressively accurate guesswork. It’s to be applauded, honestly.

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