Which Lancaster icon should be the next Prime Minister?

Liz Truss has resigned as UK prime minister, marking the shortest-serving PM in UK history. Obviously, the question everyone’s talking about right now is who should be her successor. And whilst there are ideas being thrown left, right, and centre, we’d like to propose our own list of possible PMs that you’ve seen knocking around Lancaster.

From the vice chancellor of the Uni to three ducks in a trench coat, who’s your next Lancs prime minister?

The guy at the underpass who tells you when the buses are

I genuinely miss this man more than I miss any prime minister. Where did he go? What will I do with my life without hearing him shout “the number FOUR calling at BOWERHAM” with such incredible conviction? The only logical solution here is to immediately promote him to prime minister, no questions asked.

The Sugarmouse

Did you know that the Sugarhouse has a (slightly terrifying) mascot that promotes the nightclub? Whilst the Sugarmouse is a little intimidating if you’re afraid of rodents (or costumed characters), they certainly have a commanding presence that any good prime minister would do well to emulate. A vote for the Sugarmouse as PM means a vote for good vibes, brand new photobooths, and 3-4-£5 VKs (but only on Wednesdays).

Three ducks stacked on top of each other

If the ducks can rule the uni, then surely they could run the country as well? If you put them on each other’s shoulders (wings?) and chucked a pantsuit on them, they’d probably just about resemble a human well enough to waddle over to Downing Street. And they’d probably be the best PM that ever served.

Norma

After the tragic loss of Norman, the original Library tree, predecessor Norma is finally ready to enter politics. She has experience taking over a central role (the middle of the Library is just like the middle of politics) and she has room to grow into a pretty imposing figure. Norma’s probably a Green Party kind of girl.

Isaac Sultans

Picture this: you’ve just switched on BBC News to watch another dull PM speech. The screen flickers on, and instead of the same drab, buerocratic language, Isaac from Sultans stands behind the podium. “Hello my friends,” he says, and then announces that everybody in the country will be receiving free water and chips. Now this is politics.

Lancaster’s biggest BNOC

2022 saw Laura Eisenhower crowned as this year’s Lancaster Tab Biggest Name on Campus. Surely someone who received 45 per cent of total votes in the final is suitable for PM. In fact, any of our Biggest BNOC finalists; Laura, Ben Strawbridge, and Peter “Daddy Bowland” Moyes, would make great prime ministers. If you know them can you please ask them if they’ve ever fancied going into politics, thanks.

Laura Eisenhower

Anyone who’s ever worked at Sugar

The Sugar staff have the patience of saints and as such should be immediately offered the role of prime minister. If you’re able to make someone’s weirdly specific drink, diffuse a fight, and put up with the questionable Friday night music requests, you’ve endured more than most. You’re also probably going to be backed by most of the student body, which bodes really well for your popularity across the nation.

Bean the Duck

What would we do without Bean the Duck? He’s smart, informative, and since he went missing at the beginning of the academic year, enigmatic. By electing Bean as our next prime minister we could create the feathery dark academia aesthetic of our dreams by living vicariously through our (admittedly very cute) new PM. Everyone keep your eyes peeled for Bean. The second we find him we’ll be shipping him to Number Ten.

OnlyLancs

Anyone who’s able to sort through the kind of weird confessions OnlyLancs must receive on a daily basis is deserving of a knighthood rather than a governmental position, tbh. But we’ll settle for the alternative. If OnlyLancs was prime minister, he’d help the country to avoid flatcest, pissing in sinks, and other horrifying scenarios. He’d also probably try to eliminate high schoolers trying to hang around campus, possibly on a nationwide scale, which could actually be a little bit of an issue, so maybe hold off from politics for the time being.

The 1A

Sometimes reliable. Ever iconic. The 1A would be the perfect replacement prime minister. You’d just have to make sure you get to any events they’re attending on time because you just know the seating issue would be horrendous. I think the bus would look pretty sharp parked on the pavement of Downing Street and a Pixar’s Cars moment for the UK could be exactly what we need.

A VK

Every prime minister ever has let me down in one way or another. Do you know what hasn’t let me down? A VK.

That’s about it. #aVKforPM

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