So you’ve danced all night with your friends, drank your student loan away, and now you’ve spotted an absolute dish across the dancefloor. Maybe you’ve broken up with your long-distance partner, maybe you’re looking to drop your V-card, or maybe you’ve just finally got yourself on a night out and you’re thinking, yeah, now’s the time for my first uni hook up.

Here’s our guide to everything you’ll experience during your first one-night stand at Lancaster University.

Some unsubtle grinding in Sugar/GLOW

Everyone knows what you guys are up to, that’s why they’re all five paces back.

A flustered, ‘Want to come back to mine?’

Followed by the rapid thought process determining whether yours or theirs is the best place to go back to – “am I sober enough to care about my flatmates hearing us through the wall?”

A handsy taxi ride

Formal apology to taxi drivers everywhere but this is unavoidable.

‘Where should I put my shoes?’

Seeing at least ten pairs of shoes collected very obviously together by the front door:
Brain: don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it
Me: where should I leave my shoes?

Clumsy clothing removal

From a confused fresher boy upon discovering spandex (“Woah, there’s a second, hidden dress”) to boys not being able to comprehend bodysuits, it will be a bit of the mess.

Talk of the pill

“Are you on the, um, the, you know, the…pill?”

…no.

The drunk condom application

Watching this is sort of a turn off. Lesbians and wlw everywhere are already fairing better.

‘No, there. Over here. Bit to the left. Ffs.

We’re usually a bit more confident after a few drinks so, we’re a little impatient and giving directions at this point. There are some parts of the anatomy that remain a mystery to the opposite sex so this is entirely necessary.

Tired now…

Alcohol is a depressant. The sad truth to this is that it can affect impotence, stamina, and sex drive. You’ll probably reach a point where neither of you are going to finish and you’re both about ready to pass out. But that means something (arguably) just as fun!

Cuddles!

Spooning trumps most things in life. There is nothing quite like being wrapped up in someone’s arms while you lazily cuddle your way to sleep. Feel that oxytocin pumping through your bloodstream and sleep well.

The rise of the hangover

Chundering is never pleasant but doing it in your hook-up’s bathroom the next morning is even worse. There’ll be a self-conscious “sorry about that”, maybe a tactical Febreze spray, and borrowing their mouthwash.

When do I leave??

The first hook-up raises a lot of questions you never knew you should have asked. Among them is “When should I leave?” Answer: we don’t know, either. There might be some awkward small talk in the morning followed by a “I have loads of work to do…” which is someone’s cue.

Tea with the flatmates

A cup of tea with their flatmates (who may or may not make some choice jokes about your new hickeys) while you pretend to read the fridge magnets to avoid conversation.

‘How do I get home?’

If you’ve stayed the night at theirs and they don’t live on campus, this is the time to start asking directions or rapidly searching through Google maps before you navigate the realms of Lancaster. However, if you’ve stumbled onto a goody, they may just offer to walk you to the bus stop (we stan <3) or even give you a lift home (wife me up <3).

Awkward goodbye hug

This hurts but it’s gotta be done.

Sitting on the bus like a hooker

You’re wearing last night’s outfit: a skirt too short, a top too low, and a face full of smeared makeup (sure, for guys, this is probably not a step, whatever), and now you’re surrounded by morning commuters and screaming children on the bus. It is not a high point in your life.

Sneaking back into the house

Your flatmates know. They always know.

Hangover recovery

We’ve all been there.

‘Thanks for last night. I had a great time.’

Be a nice person. Send the obligatory text.

And there it is. You have completed your first uni hook-up. Now go get that STI check-up.