A guide to the best places to cry in Lancaster
The best places to wallow, and drink. And wallow
Now that Valentine's Day has come and gone, it leaves all of us single folk in that annual pickle.
If you're anything like us, then you handled your break up with all the dignity and respect of a 13-year-old watching Game of Thrones for the first time. Suffice to say, we drank and cried so much that even Moaning Myrtle would recommend toning the angst down a tad.
But why limit the crying to simply your room, or the toilets of Sugar? In this guide, we'll show you the best places to drink and cry in Lancaster, because this is a completely healthy way of coping with heartbreak that has no negative impacts on your life whatsoever. Yes, the fact that we are waiting on a new liver is entirely coincidental, now get reading, crying, drinking, or all three.
Location No.1: The Post Office
Now, we know what you're thinking. How exactly is the post office the best place to cry?
Well, for starters, you're guaranteed to be weeping alongside the Post Office staff, who always seem to look like they've just been to a showing of Cats, which is guaranteed to make anyone bawl their eyes out and neck tequila. If nothing else, you'll be joined in sorrowful solidarity by the woebegone workforce.
Secondly, if Tinder is proving to lack that special spark, then you can always order a body pillow and set it on fire (because the mail order-bride joke we wanted to make might cause some controversy). Failing that, just mail yourself off to somewhere you're actually wanted.
Location No.2: The Arcade
Where else in Lancaster can you get such intense "Crime Alley" vibes than the Arcade, and the alleyways near it? Walk through it at night with some Papa Roach or Evanescence playing, we promise it fits the mood perfectly.
It's also somewhat more secluded than the post office, so you can bawl your eyes out to your heartbreak playlist in relative peace. If that doesn't work, we recommend acupuncture from the health store in said Arcade.
Sure, it'll sting like shit and won't do anything for a shattered heart, but how can you focus on being sad if your skin feels like it's on fire? Or just get a tattoo.
Location No.3: The Castle
Now this is more like it. The misleading facelift that belies a crumbling ruin smelling faintly of long buried resentment and piss is the perfect fit for crying about a relationship that's gone down the s-bend; so where better than the renovated Castle for a lesson in melodrama?
If you really want to turn the angst all the way up to mid-2000s Avenged Sevenfold, come at night, ascend the battlements and blast "I Don't Love You" by MCR. If you can't convince yourself that you're over them, then the next best thing is convincing other people.
Location No.4: Williamson Park
Williamson Park ticks all the boxes for a locale to pontificate about matters of the heart. It's got gorgeous scenery, some lovely wooded trails to walk down while you sadly listen to "The Night We Met" (you know you did this, just admit defeat and we'll pretend it never happened), and lots of bushes that you can pass out in once you've drank yourself silly.
Location No.5: The Bedroom
Ah yes. The bedroom. It was only a matter of time before we got here, wasn't it?
While the other places on this list were vaguely public and as such required at least the minimum level of 'non-family shaming' decorum, the bedroom gives free reign to do whatever you want.
Maybe just chisel that tub of Ben and Jerry's marked 'For Emergencies' out of the freezer and cry into it while watching your favourite Pixar movie.
Not every singleton will follow our sage advice however; some of them are well-adjusted and have healthy lives… bizarre, we know.
Whether you're single, in a relationship or in the amorphous grey area, we wish you a happy Valentines Day, while we run off to take advantage of those two-for-one romantic meals ASDA are flogging and gorge ourselves into a food coma.