All the sports girls you’ll sleep with in Lancs

University. What a wonderful time to explore who we all are. A time to experiment with sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll, and other things that would've made us social outcasts back home.

But this is uni. Everyone sleeps with everyone, and too bloody right. We're young, we're free, and let's face it – we're having fun. There's no shame in how many notches your bedpost has, or hasn't, got.

So, here's all the different types of sports girls you'll sleep with in Lancaster. A sexual celebration, if you will.

The netball girl

"Do YOu kNow I PLAy nETbalL?" will be the cry you hear between the bed sheets. An attractive specimen, and to be honest will be a pretty good night. But my word, will you hear about netball. Jesus H Christ and all of his carpenter friends. Is it worth it? That depends, in all honesty. The true test is whether she plays netball for uni, or just faffs about in a college/subject team – incessantly going on about netball is an acceptable faux pas if she's on a uni netball team. But college/subject sports? Not worth it. Not worth it at all.

The women's rugby girl

For some reason, non-rugby playing guys seem to be a little tentative when it comes to women's rugby girls. Is it because of the stereotype that they'll rip your arms off if you piss them off? Is it because they have to grip balls really tightly? Is it because they might be as juiced up as their male counterparts? Who knows. Things will probably be fine and dandy until the messaging goes from every couple of hours to every hour. To every minute. Can you escape this? Well…that depends on how well you can get out of a tackle, doesn't it? 10/10 will out-drink you.

The cheerleading girl

There's some initial contention about whether cheer is an actual sport, but as it's at Roses we're gonna allow it into this list. Much like the netball girl, you'll definitely be aware of the fact that this girl is on a sports team. Is it because of how much she brags about her flexibility? Perhaps. Is it because she wears her cheer hoodie around campus even though she's not in the top squad? Probably. You're probably going to get pied off after she's slept with you anyway, so best just to put up with hearing about flips and tumbles, because you won't be hearing about it for long.

The basketball girl

Oh, you want to have a quiet, relaxing night? Maybe go to a pub quiz, or play some board games with your flatmates? Perhaps a chilled out recreational session of Wii Tennis? Tough shit. The basketball girl is fiercely competitive, and because she's eight feet tall she can easily overpower you if the "relaxing" night becomes heated. She really doesn't care about your feelings, and she'll be objectively comparing you to her other conquests. And no, before you ask her, you're not the best she's had. Apologies.

The rowing girl/the swimming girl

You won't be able to keep up with these ladies. You really will not humanly be able to contend. First off, the guys around them are all sickeningly ripped, so you have that to compare to. Secondly, the early starts they have to endure for training will make you seem more unproductive and lazy than you already are. Lastly, despite the early starts, they can still go out and party like mental. You. Cannot. Keep. Up. They're lovely girls, but they will chew you up and spit you out. Don't bother, mate.

The lacrosse girl/the equestrian girl

If you like impersonal sex, with no eye contact and minimal sound, then this is the girl for you. She won't look at you during sexual congress because, frankly, she's too good for you. You know it, she knows it. It's a fact. But, because you know she's too good for you, you just take whatever you can get. She probably hunts foxes on the weekends, too, but don't let that put you off her.

So there you have it – a smattering of the various sports girls you may, or (more likely) may not sleep with in Lancaster. Apologies for missing out bar sports but we all know they don't count.