Clubbers of the Week: Freshers Edition
Fresh Minds, Fresh Hinds
Tadiwa MahlungeA new year, a new start and a new contrived intro to a Clubbers article.
Having sifted through thousands of these I can tell you the shirts aren’t what distinguish freshers from the rest of us, it’s the hope in their eyes. Each of them a mini 2008 Obama poster. I bet they still believe their freshers reps genuinely like them, and don’t see them as half a sentence to bolt onto the CV. Welcome to Lancaster. It’s cold here.
Ambitious Dreamer of the week
I bet she’s already signed up for ‘Doctors Without Borders’.
How she sees her Freshers’ Rep
“This had better count towards my Lancaster Award.”
Super Sloth Fire
If a girl ever gives him a number, it’ll be 3/10.
Lad Bible Reader of the week
He’s ready for anything, except responsibility.
Sassy Sailor of the week
Just come out man, it’s 2016.
Most Anxious Person of the week
Seriously, is he okay?
It’s like he’s always just about to shit himself.
Sexually Frustrated Fellas of the week
You know, you can always just do it with each other.
Lame Photobomb of the week
You’re a loser man. Freshers, don’t become him.
Pizzetta Republic ad of the week
What kind of person holds their pizza like that? The kind that would eat pizza in a filthy nightclub. I’ll see you behind the bins later.
Unimpressed Girlfriend of the week
No, she doesn’t love you back.
Bladder Emergency of the week
“If I stand really still, maybe they won’t notice.” We noticed.
Secretive Sally of the week
“Psst Jenny… psst Jennyyy… hehehehe.”
Lancs students: It’s time to apply for The Lancaster Tab 2024/25 editorial team
Amelia JordanThe deadline is on April 22nd, so get applying!
Lancaster University announces new Deputy Vice-Chancellor
Jessica OwenProfessor Rebecca Lingwood will take on the role from July 2024.
Eleven subjects from Lancaster University are in the World top 100 rankings
Jess LawlorAccording to the new rankings which have recently been released, some of the subjects at Lancaster University are within the world top 100.
It’s official: Isaac from Sultan’s is running for Lancaster MP in upcoming local election
Hannah CleryHe’s getting ready to say ‘Hello my friends’ in the House of Commons
Celebrate your summer in style: Lancaster Uni Students’ Union introduces the Summer Ball
Amy HitchenWho needs Extravs when LUSU is throwing a Summer Ball?
We asked Lancs students about their moments of love at uni and the responses are adorable
What a lovely way to finish off the term
Kimberly Wyatt, Marvin Humes and James Haskell: Sugar announces Roses weekend lineup
Tickets will go on sale this Friday 22nd March 2024 at 4pm
From Sugar to Spoons: Where the cast of Celebrity Big Brother would be found in Lancaster
David would definitely be partying all night in Sugar!
Women dies from heart attack whilst swimming in pool at Lancaster University
Laura West died from an undiagnosed genetic heart condition
Tell us about your Lent term at Lancs and we’ll tell you which GUTS tour moment you are
Currently channelling all of our stress into screaming along to Get Him Back x
‘Reading this is like going through a maze’: Rating scathing Lancaster lecturer’s comments
Let’s be honest, lecturers can be absolutely brutal
Lancaster University Students’ Union announces nominees for the 2024 Society Awards
The winners will be announced on Wednesday 20th March
Happy St Paddy’s weekend! Here’s your guide to St Patrick’s Day in Lancaster
James DaviesHere’s the best and most lucrative way to spend St Patrick’s Day in Lancs
The Comedy Store set to come to the Great Hall for ‘a night of non-stop laughter’
Five of the ‘freshest and funniest comedians on the circuit’ will perform at Lancaster University
Quiz: Find your next dissertation writing study spot in Lancaster based on your personality
Stop procrastinating and go write your dissertation xx
Bay Search and Rescue save over 40 people from being caught out by spring tide in Morecambe Bay
Their patrols also saw their teams helping a number of vehicles to safety
Lancaster University achieves first victory in UniBrass Competition 2024
Lancaster University has its first win in the UniBrass Shield Section 2024
Lancaster University student charged with damaging fire door and assaulting three men
Ariana KubiakRitupren Sahoo assaulted a a police officer and two other men
66 per cent of Lancaster students’ maintenence loan doesn’t cover their rent – Tab Survey
74 per cent say that they rely on money from family and friends to cover their living costs
Tom Odell and Busted: Here’s this year’s Highest Point 2024 line up
Gok Wan loved Lancs so much last time, he’s back again!
Everything Jack O’Connell has been up to since breaking all our hearts as Cook in Skins
Rebecca MurphyHe’s now starring in the new Amy Winehouse biopic Back To Black
From absolute legends to losers, the definitive ranking of Coachella’s biggest headliners
Aaron EdwardsThere’s been the best of shows, there’s been the worst of shows
Emily Smith
Tori has finally spilled what her friendship status is now with the other MAFS Australia girls
Harrison Brocklehurst‘What those girls did to me was not friendship’
Madeleine complains that her MAFS Australia edit made her look like a ‘batsh*t crazy b*tch’
Francesca EkeThe psychic medium said that producers ‘pushed on a relationship topic that she didn’t want to go into’
MAFS Australia bride says groom broke up with her ‘out of the blue’ and won’t reply to her
‘He won’t reply to me. He hasn’t replied’
A body language expert says Jack and Tori are lying about having sex on MAFS Australia
‘Do I think they had proper sex? No’
Everything Eden and Jayden have been up to since their messy run on MAFS Australia
Apparently they broke up FOUR TIMES after filming finished
This is why everyone thinks Taylor Swift’s song thanK you aIMee is about Kim Kardashian
The title literally spells out KIM!!
All the savage Matty Healy lyrics Taylor Swift sings on The Tortured Poets Department
‘They shake their heads and say God help her when I tell them he’s my man’
Richard Gadd speaks about how similar Baby Reindeer’s Martha actually is to his real stalker
Phoebe KowhaiShe did actually send him over 41,071 emails and leave 350 hours of voicemails
Student at £43,000 a year private school ‘smashed the skulls’ of two students with hammer
The 17-year-old also tried to kill a teacher in ‘horrific attack’
Ellie Ring
What have Timothy and Lucinda been up to since their MAFS Australia 2024 homestay fight?
They’re still besties!
Here’s where to watch Richard Gadd next if you’re obsessed with Netflix’s Baby Reindeer
He’s in a police show with Stephen Graham!
Digs at Davide to Lorraine Kelly drama: What Ekin-Su has been up to since Celeb Big Brother
Iona MacRobertShe’s been in the headlines a lot lately
After their tense homestay, are Jack and Tori still together after MAFS Australia 2024?
I need answers immediately
Yikes! A snippet of Taylor Swift’s new album has allegedly leaked and people are SLATING it
‘We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist’ is an actual lyric
Inside the life of Walton Goggins, the Fallout ghoul everyone is weirdly crushing on
Lily ColdstreamYes, it’s possible to thirst after a man who looks like a carved pumpkin