Reincarnation is real. What was your past life?
This is a rigorous and scientific process
The story starts last night, when I managed to get out of a shitty situation by virtue of some of my classic and (I always presume) entirely-deserved luck. A friend asked me how it is I always get away with this kind of shit.
I reasoned there could be only one explanation – reincarnation is real, and I must have been a proper sick cunt in my past life. There was but one thing left to do, and that was figure out who.
Obviously, they must’ve been someone who died the day I was born, so their soul could go into me. I searched “died March 8 1996”, and who came up?
Jack. Motherfucking. Churchill. A British WWII officer who went into battle with a claymore, longbow and bagpipes. He holds the last recorded longbow kill in history. God saw that and thought “Fuck man, you just take it easy from here on out. That was sick af”.
My theory all but proven, I tried it out on some famous people and the results are indisputable.
Thea Bibby, BNOC – Michel Debré, politician or Obdulio Verala, footballer
Really, this could be either. Debré governed the French island of Réunion, which is in the arse-end of nowhere, and Thea lived most of her life in Faro, Portugal, which is also in the arse-end of nowhere. However, if Thea ever decided to play football, I can fully picture her being considered “adept in defence and was renowned for [her] tenacity and leadership”. Shockingly, she says she “used to play football and was a defender lol”.
“Dayum shawty”, she also added. It’s a toss-up tbh – I could see that coming out of either of their mouths.
David Cameron, ham-faced man – the victims of the Bình Tai Massacre
I’m not entirely sure what to make of this one.
Jeremy Corbyn, geography teacher – Euday L. Bowman, composer
Bowman is a famed ragtime and blues composer, and who could be bluer than a politician whose entire party seems to hate him? Ironically one of the few non-blues in Labour, it’s not too hard to imagine Jezza laying down some mournful, soul-filled ballads after another vote doesn’t go his way.
Katie Hopkins, asshat – André Beaufre, colonel
French military colonel and renowned military strategist Beaufre is a sure fit for Hopkins, a similarly renowned espouser of policy both foreign and domestic. Whilst Beaufre was a bit of a cunt to North Africans militarily, Hopkins continues his noble legacy by being a huge cunt to them journalistically for their audacity to try and emigrate.
Donald Trump, hairpiece – John Logie Baird, inventor and Jorge Ubico, dictator
This one’s scary. I think Trump may be a rare double reincarnation, hence his disjointed and contradictory policies. One the one hand, Trump is a reality star and well-known TV comedian as of the entire last year, and Baird invented the TV. Trump is often described as the culmination of our TV- & media-obsessed political process, which he himself set the ball rolling on when he invented the telly.
Then there’s Ubico, a.k.a. “Central America’s Napoleon”, former dictator of Guatamala. With his tiny-hand-induced Napoleon complex and repressive policies, is it such a stretch to assume that Trump is but Ubico, returned on a quest to become “North America’s Napoleon”? I think not.
Vladimir Putin, scary Russian – no-one (is what they want you to think)
But then what’s another covered-up death to the Kremlin?
Queen Elizabeth II, shiny old lady – George W. Murray, US politician
It makes too much sense. Murray’s life is a tale of rising over adversity – born a slave in South Carolina, he ended up as a Republican Congressman. What’s the only thing it would make sense for him to do after he shuffled off of this mortal coil? Of COURSE he’d inhabit the body of the future Queen of the British Empire. The only way was up for our Murray.
Try it for yourself. Maybe your past life was someone not notable enough to get their own Wikipedia page – that’s fine, it just means you’d better do something cool this lifetime.
As for me, I’ll take my BA in Sociology to go, tah.