POLL: Which KUSU election candidate would win in a fight?

Voting opened today, but what we really want to know is which KUSU election candidate would win in a fight?

Kingston students Kingston University KUSU KUSU elections

As the KUSU elections get into full gear, more and more balloons, signs and banners litter campus.

But in all this cardboard chaos, one question remains unanswered: which of the candidates would win in a fight?”

KUSU president candidates are harder than a trip on the N87, tougher than a steak at The King’s Tun, hotter than a stint in the library and ruder than a KU bus driver. Now it’s up to you to pick which one you think is the candidate who could beat the ever-loving shit out of the others. The choices are:

Denza Gonsalves

denza

First up is the queen of KFL (Kingston Fighting League). Last year she dominated the competition, with a crazy Youtube video showing off her outrageous technical ability.

Does she have what it takes to bring it home twice in a row? Hell yeah she does. She knows the only way out of KUSU is in a body bag.

Strength: Her kick-ass IT skills

Weakness: Blurred Lines

Adam Carrier-Sippy

adam

Sippy-ing his rivals blood, the only thing Adam cares about is fighting for freedom. As a student of the Surveying and Planning department, he’s out for revenge and won’t stop until everyone has paid the price, especially his biggest rival Denza.

Strength: Leaving no body unturned in his quest

Weakness: His arch nemesis Denza Gonsalves

Henry Eaton

henry

The incredible hulk of the election candidates, this guys angry. Really fucking angry.

He’s on the warpath about timetables, WiFi and a lack of communication.But don’t expect to be able to chat for a while with no teeth and bleeding gums after he’s finished with you. Henry just wants to drink a pint under £3, is that too much to ask? IS IT?

Strength: Victims fall for his puppy dog eyes

Weakness: He can’t afford to keep replacing his ripped clothes after a fight

Ismail Pervez

Ismail Pervez

Don’t be fooled by Ismail’s smile. This guys got game. International game.

Ismail uses his many languages to stun his victims into silence before using his “READY PROGRAMME” on them. No one’s sure what this means but don’t relax too much, the programme’s victims have never returned…

Strength: Knows a bazillion languages including Kryptonian

Weakness: Over-excitable

Elaha Walizadah

Microsoft Word - Womanifesto.docx

Girl power! Think WonderWoman not PowerPuff Girls.

No one laughs at Elaha. Her super transparency power makes her a dark horse for the competition. She knows all her rivals weaknesses and what they are doing ALL THE TIME. Don’t mess with this chick.

Strength: Her voluminous hair is the key to her vision.

Weakness: Hairdresser bills.

The Tab would like to clarify that no journalistic endeavour took place in the making of this article, we relied solely on the imagination of the writer. Needless to say, it’s all a joke.