Meet the King’s Varsity rowing boys: Objectively better cops than UCL

Welcome to The King’s Tab’s coverage of London Varsity 2020, bringing you the wildest stories from the games, rundowns of the squads, and the latest score updates. Anything mad happens at a game? Message us on Instagram or Facebook. 

The KCLBC men’s squad are gearing up to take on WhoCL in the age-old sport of “the rowings” on March 11th. Will the sky bleed red or purple on that fine day? While we wish we could give you the answer to that all-so-important question, we’d like to think the only purple that’ll be on campus come the Varsity after-party will be snakebite stains splattered on our shirts as we celebrate a KCLBC victory.

We figured you’re waiting with bated breath for our varsity showdown, so in the meantime, the men have gathered together to say a few things about each member of the squad. Instagrams have been included for any thirsty freshers who fancy sliding into Zac Baxter’s DMs – after all, who is @kingsfellassquad?

Cox – Frankie “The Muffin Man” Lowe (2nd Year, Biochemistry)

@frankie_bakes_cakes

Captaining this year’s Fresher Women as well as our very own bowman Shinichi, we have the only member who falls within both the wam squad and the bois. As official KCLBC baker, Frankie makes sure the boat’s centre of the mass remains as low as possible, thus letting more of the tideway water splash everyone, including herself. Her infamous “minion suit” is in fact more expensive than any piece of kit offered by KCLBC and is somehow more reflective than any of our torches (which never seem to work). Likes to mention: running, marathons, 42.195km, 26.2 miles, Thames Rowing Club, rowing at Thames Rowing Club, sculling at Thames Rowing Club, baking, running.

8 (stroke) – Zac “Bring Forth the Herb” Baxter (4th Year, Graduate Entry Medicine)

@zacbaxter_

What Zac has in looks he lacks in chat, his annual outings to GB have taken on infamous notoriety. At the young age of 26 he has developed an alter ego ‘Ayia Napa Zac’ (a throwback to his 18 year-old Leeds Rugby self.) Overall though he is a sound bloke and has taken on the all important position of most hated member of the men’s squad, a competitive and historic role in the club prestigiously decided by the KCLBC women’s squad.

7 – Nat ““The Quarterback” Antrobus (2nd Year, Religion, Philosophy, Ethics)

@natantrobus

A new member to the boat club, Nat enjoys substituting a personality by painting his nails, getting various tattoos and wearing as many earrings as possible. An upgrade on last year’s vegan but still a wanker nonetheless, Nat thinks he’s cool for being that guy who pulled the fire alarm at the vault and playing a second sport (American Football #TeamoftheWeek #Muchwow)

6 – Alex “I like Corsica not ULBC” Jorgensen (2nd Year, Geography)

@alxjorgensen

Jorgy is quite the specimen. His ability to squat 150kg for reps and pull fatty ergs despite turning up to literally zero fitness sessions means that this monolith of a human being can enjoy a relatively quiet lifestyle of tearing it up at various techno events and still make the 1st VIII crew. He will often turn up to morning sessions on a generous 2 hours of sleep and will use the outings as his opportunity to sober up, before he goes home to catch a few hours kip and begin sinking stellas, simultaneously scrolling the Resident Advisor app for local raves near him.

5 – James “Right Hook Special” Connold (4th Year, MSc Microbiome in Health and Disease)

@jamesconnold

Another new member on the men’s squad, James has big time commitment issues (this is an understatement). And listening issues. And reading issues. And anger issues. Known for impromptu boxing matches in GB, this fella is actually a friendly, deep and caring guy. Just don’t sit next to him during ergs (fear the vom) or flick his face. Seriously.

4 – Tom “Should be in the Lightweight Category” Keogh (3rd Year, English)

@tomkeogh98

Keogh, Keogh, Keogh. All good things come in threes and this is Tom’s third attempt at successfully staying at KCLBC without being whipped too hard by an ex or having prior commitments to being a musical soy boy on a nightly basis. At 6 feet 7 inches you would think this guy has an insane tolerance for alcohol but unfortunately what the lord giveth, the lord also taketh. Another top guy, this boy is easily roped into weekends away to Amsterdam with prolific herb enthusiasts, but also enjoys a trip to Guy’s Bar like most. His night excursions however have often ended with a solo uber home at 9:30pm because he binned himself way too hard, way too early.

3 – Charlie “Have a Shower” Proctor (3rd Year, Political Economy)

@charlie.proctor99

Charlie’s diet includes the daily breakfast of: 2 x bacon, red leicester and ketchup sandwiches, monster energy and a packet of wotsits. A man of class, he has described his ideal date as a ‘proper nice’ pie from Guys Bar followed up by exploiting the Spoons voucher book to maximise pintage. A naturally clean guy, Charlie has avoided showering after a session by stating that he already showered ‘last week’ so what is the point (and who are we to disagree). In fairness to this guy, he’s a big part of the reason this club is functioning and his positive vibes keep the boys going even in deep times, such as unfortunate run ins with the women’s squad.

2 – Finn “Get your Kit Order in Lads” Potter (3rd Year, History)

@finn_potter

Now then, Fionnbharr Potter. This man’s got his fingers in so many pies he doesn’t know when to pull out. Rowing, two committees, a job and a thinking degree – you may ask, how does he do it? We’d put it down to a constant state of sleep deprivation and his subsequent (patent pending) “daytime desk naps”. With all the gear but no idea, this warrior makes it to most training sessions and often claims he never messes up the balance in the boat (hmmmmm). Finn has been a committed member of the boat club throughout his time at uni and has some excellent chat, proof of this being that the women have crowned him a hot second place for most disliked member of committee. Special skill: will pour you a banging snakebite.

1 (Bow) – Shinichi “His Catches Really Do Be Like That” Hirata (3rd Year, Mathematics)

@shinichirata

A dying breed, Shinichi is the last survivor of an older generation of KCLBC men. Now in his 3rd term with the boys, he is hoping this will be the year he qualifies at HRR after narrowly missing out in 2018 after “a freak headwind” appeared on the course. This lady’s man managed to secure a female last year and now spends most of his time at the opposite end of the boat to her. Rumour mill has it that this elusive bloke previously attended Cambridge University but couldn’t handle the lack of chat and formerly gave up. Good choice in our humble opinion.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

•Meet the King’s basketball varsity squad ready to destroy UCL

•Meet the King’s Netball Varsity squad ready to smash WhoCL

•Meet the King’s Varsity hockey boys, who are much much fitter than UCL will ever be