If the main sports teams at King’s were mainstream celebrity this is who they’d be
The first step of admittance is denial
You may think you aren't so different to the celebrities you read about on the loo (thanks Daily Mail for that entertainment) but actually, we scientifically can prove that you are.
Each sports team has a trash persona that boys and girls relate to. The drama, the competitions, the Sports Nights Wednesday, it all adds up to our own versions of these celebs and reality TV stars that we regularly laugh at.
Let's not beat around the bush, here are your teams and celebs with proper reasons why.
Lacrosse – Bella Thorne
You want to be a BNOC and you are convinced you are the coolest team around. You think ALL the rugby and football boys at Wednesday Waterfront want a piece of you but the reality is you will end up being the rebound for some other sporty gal, like when Scott Disick chose Bella as his rebound from Kourtney. MASSIVE DOWNGRADE.
Athletics – Yoncé
Babes everyone loves you. So laid back, so chilled. You do not find the need to tell everyone, everywhere you go that you're an athlete, everyone can see that beautiful sense of humour (and body) of yours, no further explanation needed. You don't need to go out every Wednesday to intoxicate yourself to get the laughs, you're funny anyways.
Basketball – Drake
We get it you play basketball. Aren't you a bit too obsessed with yourself and your sport? Even in the most random of places you can be heard telling people "what you do" questioning whether "they know what sport you play" from the line on the Pret stand to the sticky dance floor at Waterfront – will you ever just shut up about that one booty call you got on the court?
Netball – Britney Spears
Crazy but loveable. Sometimes intimidating to those who do not know you, but once they know you, it is clear how wild and funny you really are. Can sometimes become a bit unhinged, usually after a night at Piccadilly Institute. Perhaps it wouldn't be too surprising to see a drunken netballer having a bald Britney trauma.
Rowing – Prince Harry
On the surface you are full of style and class, but can be known to get a bit rowdy. You look all PG but then we will probably find you naked in a room with a number of questionable characters, you probably bought out of Daddy's bank account. Get it together.
Rugby – Scott Disick
You think you are the King of King's sporting world (excuse the pun). You feel like you are part of the ultimate, most perfect society. Like Scott you think you are living legends, walking around the five King's campuses like it's your Kingdom. It is true, most of the time we think you are quite funny – throwing a Playboy Mansion themed party. Genius! But you do act like a dick quite a lot of the time. Is it really necessary to get naked EVERYWHERE you go.
Tennis – Brooklyn Beckham
Stylish and witty. Rarely get extremely rowdy, like the footballers and rugby teams. But you are still super fun. Often can be seen going for a more laid back night in the Dover Castle or laying low at Guy's Bar than going with the 'mainstream' crowd to Waterfront.
Cycling – Caitlyn Jenner
When your society first popped out it was BIG NEWS. Everyone was interested and wanted to join. But now where are you? Where do you even cycle? Pretty sure we haven't seen you cycling anywhere? Not even to lectures? Are you just a big façade?
Golf – Boris Johnson
Everyone just finds you a bit of a joke really. It's not we don't like you or anything, everyone loves a good Boris moment, but you yourself seem a bit unsure of what you are doing a lot of the time. Like is this really where you are meant to be? Golfing on some shitty green in the centre of London? Surely you should be in Surrey or Hampshire for such a leisurely sport. Oh and forget Wednesday Sport's night – golfers you know that you are way to superior to be involved with the likes of your average sport hooligans.
Hockey – Rihanna
The unsung hero of the sporting world. Sometimes you get left behind in the midst of the netball/rugby world. But you manage to always to pop back up, just when we think you've disappeared.
Football – Justin Bieber
You think all the ladies want you, and a good number do. You go through phases of people thinking you are cool, to thinking you are the lowest scum that has ever walked through the Strand. Lets be honest, although you can sometimes be the sweetest guys ever, we wouldn't be surprised to hear the guy yelling at security in Bush House for simply asking them for their King's ID was a football player.
Equestrian – Bella Hadid
Damn you guys have style. Like Bella you ride as if you were walking on a New York Fashion Week runway, and like Bella you may be slightly deluded to thinking that you are destined to be riding in the Olympics. Like we are sure you're good babes, but sit down.
Cheerleading – Kylie Jenner
Are you even a real sport?
Yoga – Taylor Swift
Like TayTay you're a bit full of yourself. You insist to tell everyone "oh yes, I do yoga daily" when in reality you are on Borough High Street at the new KCL gym only once a week, and even then you struggle to perform the downwards dog position. C'mon everyone can see through that "I'm so cool, I'm so chill" persona. We know someday soon you are going to crack like TaySwizzle and then you'll be blaming yoga "look what you made me do". All that exercise may be all well and good for mental health, until you realise what a nutjob you really are.
Fencing – Robert Pattinson
If any sport was Rob-Patz it would be you fencers. You are cool and mysterious, rarely mention your secret sport. We don't know anything about you really. We don't even know where you train, for all we know you could be having secret meetings in the basement of King's building.
American Football – Donald Trump
You call yourself "football" it is not the same as good old British football. You are "fake news" here in the U.K. and you know it. Stop trying to be something you're not.
Picture credit: Artemis Adamantopoulou