Life after UBER: How to survive your night out without your fave taxi
‘I’m not getting a bus mate’
Let's face it, everybody has fallen guilty to calling an Uber at 4am after a heavy night out, and disgracing yourself by talking to the driver about how well university is going while kebab dribbles down your shirt. The question has been on my mind since as to how I should gear up when the apocalypse strikes and every London students's favourite taxi-service is no longer available. I decided to take matters into my own hands and find out for myself what the best alternative ride home was…
You've heard great things about Black Cab: they're London's most reputable taxi service, have plenty of health and safety rules and regulations, and best of all, the drivers know London like the backs of their hands. Unfortunately, 'that'll be fifty quid mate' to get to the corner shop is the price of an extra 5 whisky and cokes. I could've passed out on a park bench and still had money in the morning for a pasty and a tube home.
The Tube is notoriously well known for being a sweaty, claustrophobic nightmare. Who wants their face pressed up in some poor granny's hair while you struggle to breathe down her neck? To make matters worse, most tubes stop running at around 12:30pm (unless it's a Friday or Saturday) so your night is looking pretty tame if you take this option.
Riding around London on a Boris Bike is a bit like eating pasta with your hands: you look a moron but actually it's pretty efficient at getting the job done. Perhaps when you're pissed and can barely stand however, hopping on a two-wheel budget bike might not be such a good idea. After all, you don't want to cough up the money to replace the bike if it (and you) ends up in the Thames.
At about £1-£1.50 a ride and operating at most hours of the night, the bus seems like the most sensible option here. Perhaps that's why it's also the most boring: where's the thrill of been driven into a side alley and having the driver mug you? Where's the danger of falling off your bike and having to spend the night at A&E for a wicked pre's story in a couple weeks? Yeah, probably should get the bus.
If all else fails, you could stomach the dreaded walk back home from your favourite club. This will almost always incur 40 minutes to an hour of stumbling back in the cold from the North of the river back to the South, where your grimy single bed is waiting patiently for you. This task is worse than manual labour and I would not put this punishment on anyone. Only use this method as a last resort.
(Disclaimer: I did all of these, and didn't die. Maybe Uber leaving wouldn't be so bad after all?!)