Things you only get when you come from Norwich
Where Bob might not just be your uncle
In a city which was once tipped to be the capital due to its quite frankly repulsively convenient trade links to the North Sea, we compare Delia's Kingdom to the capital of Elizabeth's
The truth is apart from Radio 1's Big Weekend in 2015 nothing has happened in Norwich since 'Alan Partridge: Alph Papa'. We try to save ourselves by claiming we're near Cambridge and that Prince George goes to nursery here, but the connection between the city and anything respectable is as weak as the BT Openzone Wifi. You may have had the Olympics but have you ever been to the Barford Festival? Scrub up.
Forget Calabasas, Norwich is where keeping up counts
Stephen Fry doesn't give a shit about us. To the Norwich guerrillas the real celebs include the Puppet Man and the Bag Lady, both on the verge of going bat shit crazy but are the mother and father of the city who complete the comfortable anti-climax of home.
As per London is rife with celebrities, sure they include Katie Hopkins and Tommy Robinson, but the abuse given to politicians is unmatched, with the elderly persistently voting for the Tory orgy that is Norfolk in some kind of twistedly boring episode of Big Brother that never ends.
Despite the fact Norwich Town Hall was chosen by Hitler to be the platform from which his victory speech would take place if he successfully invaded Britain, it probably says more about the brutish architecture of the city than its international importance to European domination. Lord Nelson is still the King of Norwich's past though, with the shock on our faces when a non-Norfolkite doesn't know who he is matched by their sheer boardom of hearing about Norwich's UNESCO City of Literature Award.
No one will ever quite cream over Norwich Castle as much as every teacher in Norfolk, with school trips to Norwich's Mecca being as regular as the disappointment you feel when you see Europe's biggest tea pot which lives there.
London isn't green enough
The vast fields on the outskirts of the city and love of the mundane do lend themselves to cricket in the summer, yet the only thing thats hit more balls than Ian Botham is every 16-year-old girl's chin.
London prides itself on its urban culture and rightly so, the closely-knit working class communities which gave birth to the Grime revolution and the setting for Peep Show. But they don't know the brotherhood between Nozza's twinned cities El Viejo, Novi Sad, Rouen and Koblenz, and no one's quite at home until you step in dog shit at Eton park and walk through Anglia Square so fucking briskly you happily risk rupturing your achilles worse than David Beckham in 2010.
The god's honest truth
The truth is if you ever find yourself in Norwich you either live here or your SatNav is broken, perhaps you're visiting family though, but even then they'll be too strange for you to consider sleeping over, in which case have fun in the Travel Lodge by Thickthorn roundabout.
London is magnificent, yeah it's expensive and Michael Gove's nest is still situated somewhere near Theresa May's back pocket, but when TK Maxx is your Vivienne Westwood, and The Waffle House your Ritz, you take every victory you can get.