The signs you know you are a grandparent at the club and just need a cocktail

It’s 1:30am and I am asleep in the corner

Has anybody else’s youth mysteriously vanished? It went walkies somewhere on the way to the cluuuub, and in between the banging Riri and people taking shots, maybe 60 pins dropped and now we’re all avoiding the whole scenario and going for cocktails. We all know how much clubbing can be a pain sometimes, and pre-sesh naps just aren’t good enough to cut it. Soothing beats of house can be my lullaby.

So my question is, why does going for cocktails inferior to clubbing? It isn’t as pressured, just as time consuming and the chances of sketchy hookups have an 84% less chance of happening. Here are all the signs I’ve noticed in becoming a Granny 20-something in public, so just hand me my walking stick and I’m going for a Long Island.

You don’t pre-drink as hard

In fact, I don’t think you can pre-drink going for cocktails because you ruin the taste of a “Blonde in a Tall Glass”, or an Amaretto Martini. Is throwing up at cocktails acceptable?

Queues outside of clubs are not a turn on, and don’t exist in a bar

Against British tradition, some lone Britons don’t queue. And so many people hate it so why would you suffer for a night where you pay £7 for 2 and a half hours of stinking BO. I sound like an OAP but there aren’t queues at a cocktail bar so byeeeeee

Personal space is a serious issue

At said night, a guy grabbed my face and pulled me with him in his drunken stupor. Sweaty backs, spillage of drinks on my shoes/jeans/sleeves/hair/face and a nipple slip is all too much to see for one night. I’m afraid of getting my butt grabbed (or cheeks squished) and quite frankly I’m tired of being approached to dance. Just give me cocktail goddamnit

Legit footage of me being sad after someone grabbed my face

For the same price as a shot, you can go to Slug and Lettuce and get double…

See that? That’s 2-4-1 everyday at Slug and Lettuce. Regret never tasted this good

…and the menus are nicer

Would you rather chug watered down vodka coke or have a long island with good alcohol that’s worth spending money on? I don’t know any club establishment that makes up fun names like “Truffle Mac Daddy” for a cocktail (it’s Convent Garden) or different flavours of Martini.

Watching people dance horrifically vs sitting down and not popping a hip

I swear the next time I see a threesome trying to be organised by some gross makeout session on a sofa or in the corner of a club… nah i’m too busy drinking my Manhattan and I’m not aching the next day.

Looking after everyone else is much easier at a cocktail bar

Here’s an effective method to keep everyone at bay: count the non-empty cocktail glasses at the table. If not present, then they are in the bathroom or at the bar. This is a much more effective method than a baby leash, traipsing up and down stairs (thigh gains) or peeling someone off another pinned against the wall. So the maths add up and with my granny hips my hip replacement will be delayed.

Do I really have to go?

Everyone gets pre-night jitters and therefore with cocktails everyone becomes chill and nobody has a bad time. If you have an emergency, go for cocktails. Have a tragedy, go for cocktails. Want to avoid someone, go for cocktails. First date? Go for cocktails. Literally if this becomes your go-to you won’t need any other plans.