A definitive list of things you could buy instead of going to uni

Remember the good old days? University cost £3,000 a year, Freddos were 5p and Lib Dem’s bullshit promises meant nothing to anyone because there wasn’t a chance in hell they’d get elected. Simpler times. Would be alright if we were living in those days wouldn’t it, with a Freddo in one hand and a degree, with a cumulative worth of £9,000, in the other?

Unfortunately for us, Inflation means that uni (as of September this year) is standing at 9,250 a year. Team that with the average student loan and your degree is costing you a grand total of 52,750. Is it worth it? You tell your Mum it is, don’t you? ‘Sure Mum’ you say in a bed of Tesco value custard creams and failed potential, ‘I’m having a great time, definitely getting the most for my money’ Five minutes of nervous laughter later and you’re googling how else you could have spent that £52,750.

I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say this is pointless because the ‘government payback system is actually quite reasonable really’. You’re going to say ‘this makes no sense because it’s not like you would have been given the £52,750 if you hadn’t gone to university’. You’re going to say ‘who would actually go and -spoiler alert- buy 175,833 Freddos?’ Well sure, technically you are right but we’re just trying to have a bit of fun here, just trying to postpone the existential angst for a couple more minutes and, hey, you’ve already clicked on to this so you’ve already contributed to my view count. I’m the winner here. 

Now, on with the list. You’re welcome. 

A boat

You know who doesn’t get asked what they’re doing with their future? Someone with a boat. Nobody that can legitimately refer to themselves as a Captain or a Pirate has ever been cornered in their hometown Poundland by Debra- their Mum’s friend’s sister’s mate -and asked what they plan on doing with their ‘degree in reading’. Stop worrying about getting an internship and start worrying about whether people see you as Captain Jack Sparrow era 2003 or 2017.

733 years of Netflix subscriptions 

I give science 20 years to figure out immortality. If they do, demand enough years to get through the 733-year long subscription or enough time to finish Breaking Bad- whichever comes first.

60,000 lottery tickets

Remember that Friends episode – ‘the one with all the lottery tickets’? That could be you, you could be the one with all the lottery tickets. And sure, the chances of you winning are still one in fourteen million but that’s about equal to your chances of getting a grad job isn’t it?

You used to imagine that your life would play out like an episode of Friends didn’t you? I bet you still imagine yourself as the Chandler don’t you? Chandler had a stable job and the funds to buy a house though didn’t he? Well, I guess no one ever told you life was gonna be this way. Unless, of course, they told you that you’d spend three years avoiding bank statements, responsibility and your seminar leader cos you told them you had the plague and couldn’t make it to your 9am three weeks in a row.

An actual legit house in France

It’s funny because you’ll never be able to afford a home in the country you’re studying, just say fuck it and move to France. Better wine that’s cheaper anyway #amirite

Porsche 911

If Jeremy Clarkson managed to be forgiven for punching his boss and being altogether generally awful, your parents will forgive you for abandoning uni to buy a car. And if they don’t, remind them you’re in charge of their retirement home and if they continue to sass you about your life choices, they’ll end up in Portsmouth.

A trip that means going around the world… 34 times.

Would be good to have an around the world trip. Would be better to do it twice. Would be 10/10 to do it 34 times, though, wouldn’t it?!

Self Publish 35 books

Look at everything you could have written if you weren’t busy reading like a nerd.

Three more and you’ve beaten Shakespeare.

Buy 460 shares of Apple

Now I’m not 100% sure how shares work but I bet if you had 460 of the bastards, you’d be able to get the lads at Apple to make you a button that would instantly electrify the keyboard of that guy that macchiato drinking, insufferable hipster twat that always beats you to your fave cafe table.

175,833 Freddos

They’re 30p now. 30p. Literally, swallow your anger and use your newly acquired 175,833 bars of overpriced nostalgia to throw yourself into a sugar induced hyper state so intense, you travel back in time to when they were 5p, University was free and you didn’t waste your time reading articles like this.