The different stereotypes of flatmates you’ll meet at uni

Sesh monster to that one person who only creeps in to the kitchen to turn on the kettle

Congratulations, you’re in! You’ve just agreed to pay thousands of pounds to live with a bunch of strangers in questionable conditions. There is a lot truth to flatmate-related platitudes, but not all is as black-and-white as you may first think. Do not despair, we are here to help! So here is an explicitly brutal analysis of all the types of flatmates you’ll meet in your first year.

The party animal

This person will instigate the sesh. You can rely on them to be available for a ‘cheeky pint’ at pretty much any time of day. They arrive at uni with an assemblage of stories about the consumption of various substances- of which they may or may not be the protagonist- to which they will add over the next few years. You will never be quite sure how they function, but occasionally find yourself admiring their skill set. That said, most of us soon come to realise that we do NOT want to be this person. Fresher’s week is all fun and games, but eventually the time comes to master the work/play balance and listening to the party 10 feet away from you as you cripple under the pressure of writing the final paragraph of your essay at 2 in the morning is somewhat frustrating.
On the bright side, when you want to let your hair down, you know who to call.

The rich kid

Probably from private school. Strongly opinionated.

They aren’t so bad, really, it’s just that they will have a different perspective on things. They think they are entitled to a superior quality of life and this will show. You’ll be going through their amazing holiday pictures as you lay in bed stuffing your face with home-cooked food during reading week. You will guiltily consider taking advantage of them; after all buying another pack of organic chicken fillets isn’t going to put them out, it’s perfectly justifiable. They will be as stingy as they are generous, you will have to figure them out. And god forbid mummy and daddy actually live in the same city as they’re studying in. You will forever envy the convenient nature of their life, especially on laundry day.


The ‘liberated’ one

You guessed it. I was trying to find a nicer way of saying ‘the flat slut’. Just to clarify, I am not judging. In fact, this person will be more than proud of their sexual escapades, they will not hesitate to inform you about the numerous people they have been with and as with the party animal mentioned above, you will occasionally fantasise about a more adventurous life. But when the drama kicks off, you will be grateful for the dry spell you currently find yourself in. Just bring headphones.

The enigma

You do not see them. You do not hear them. Are they even real?! You may have caught a glimpse of them on the first day, but nothing since. They do not show signs of life, I am not exaggerating here. Not much to say about this one, the beauty of this person lies in the fact that they leave you the hell alone. As you debate their existence with your remaining flatmates and consider how cool this person potentially is, you will silently thank them for keeping themselves to themselves.

(no photographic evidence currently exists).

The couple

Despite the fundamental rule of student life, THIS. WILL. HAPPEN. And I’m not talking about the “we hooked up a few times” couple, I’m talking about the “we’re in love, they’ve met the parents” couple. Two people. In luuuuuuve. In your flat. Their cuteness will make your insides turn, but ultimately you cannot loathe them for their happiness. Those headphones you brought will come in really handy though.

Ew, they’re smiling

The thief

Things will go missing, prepare yourself. You will have strong suspicions, but unless you catch this person red handed there is nothing you can do. Your passive aggressive comments will not be particularly effective, so start coming up with defence strategies now.

This is what it comes to…

The one that has it together and the one that doesn’t

Now these are the people you should be aspiring to, or not aspiring to respectively. This person may not be a flatmate of yours but you will meet someone who is so on top of their shit it makes you feel like you’re wasting oxygen. They will tackle the challenges daily life throws at them with the grace of a ballerina and incessantly add more to their plate. This is the person who will make you question your purpose on this Earth. On the other side of the spectrum, you will meet someone who drifts aimlessly through life. On your ‘off days’, you will wish for their easy-going persona, but on the days you choose to be productive you will pity that poor soul and feel slightly better about yourself.

“Relax, dude, it’s all good”

The hypocrite(s)

This applies on three levels. First of all, there will be someone who complains endlessly about everyone else, not addressing the fact that they too are not a divine being that does no wrong.
Secondly, do not forget that you are a human being, and you will not be perfect either. People are more complex than a stereotype and often all of the above interlink to form one messed up individual. Chances are that at some point you will identify with all of the above, so try to be considerate.
Finally, take everything I’ve said with a pinch of salt, everybody’s experience is different. Learn to accept that living in halls is a rite of passage and you will be a better person for it.

WARNING! Flatmates will vary, subject to availability. Terms and Conditions apply.