KCL confessions: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

‘We literally spent two hours in silence’

As February comes around, the spectre that is Valentine’s Day looms on the horizon. For those in relationships, it’s a time to wheel out the chocolates and flowers, for those of us stuck in the mire of singledom we’re assaulted by constant reminders that we are solidly alone.

And so, we head to the nearest bar, ask around our friends and re-download Tinder in a last stitch attempt to find someone to have dinner with on the 14th, reminding ourselves of the trials and trepidations of the dating world.

We asked you, the people of King’s, for your worst ever dates, and you gave us some crackers.

Tim, GKT

I had liked this girl for ages who I sang in a choir with. I eventually plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she said yes. She then turned up with her friend, who I sort of knew, and the three of us went to dinner. My date proceeded to pretty much ignore me all the way through and just talked to her friend. I asked her out again, but it unfortunately never worked out.

Chloe, first year, Geography

I was 14 and this guy asked me out on Facebook and we went into town (back when ‘going into town’ was cool…) and we literally spent two hours in silence. He then took me to the park and lay down and patted the grass next to him expectantly and then said “sometimes silence is just nice”, and he kept trying to kiss me the whole time and I kept pretending I had something in my eye, or I had to sneeze, or I had lost my phone or something. My mum picked me up and I cried the whole way home because I didn’t know how to dump him.

Phillippa, first year, Medicine

I went on a date with a guy, we’re in a beer garden and I see he’s leaning against a tree. I ask him if he’s ok and then he says, “yeah, I’m fine, but my feet are quite small so I have to hold onto something to be able to balance.” I look down and I realise that his feet are smaller than mine, and mine are a size five!

George, second year, Maths

I was set up with a girl by a friend for a dinner date. She wasn’t as pretty as her photo so I only took her to Wasabi, bought her dinner and left.

Tekla, second year, GKT

I went on a date and half way through realised that the guy’s name wasn’t what I thought it was. Then he asked me if I thought people would think he was a paedophile because I looked about fourteen.

Molly, first year, English

We met on Tinder, and he suggested that we go to the V&A for our first date. I was walking up to him when he stepped down off a step onto the sidewalk and I realised he was shorter than me. We then went to the medieval embroidery exhibit where he spent most of the time lightly grazing my ass or attempting to guide me along and knew nothing about the exhibit. I got fed up and schooled him on Roman sculpture (props to my recent art and archaeology lecture). He complimented my eyes and I said, “you’re not the first and I’m absolutely certain you won’t be the last,” then after I said no to a second date he suggested we find a corner in the tube station to make out.

Sophie, GKT

I arranged to meet this guy who then turned up drunk and proceeded to shout at a homeless man and tell him how much he hated him.

Chris, third year, Economics 

I was about sixteen and had just started going out on proper dates. I asked this one girl to the cinema with me to watch Frozen. We sat at the back and as soon as the movie started she started feeling me up, and then proceeded to suck me off. The date ended as soon as the movie was done.

Annabel, third year, History

I was dating a guy who picked me up in Waterfront on my first night of Freshers’. He was, without a doubt, the most boring man I’ve ever met. He was the Tory junior in the Ministy for Agriculture and had no sense of humour. Once, he was telling me a long winded story about how he fell down an escalator, and my mum rang to say my dad was in hospital so I told him I’d have to take the call. Then, when I came back he went right back to the escalator story.

He lived not far from a pub called ‘The Kennington’, which he maintained was “the straightest friendly gay pub in London.” Every time we passed it, he would say without fail, “that’s the straightest friendly gay pub in London”, whether we were walking, on the bus, once even in a taxi. Once, I was on his way back to his after my first mock Uni exams. It was raining so I texted him to say I’d meet him in the Kennington. He kept me waiting for about half an hour, and then came in, approached my table and sat down. I leaned over and said to him, “did you know this is the straightest friendly gay pub in London?” and he looked me in the eye, totally deadpan and devoid of any humour or expression and said, “yes.” We broke up about a week later.

Keep it classy this Valentines guys!