The stereotypes of every club you’ll go to during your time at King’s
All people should really wear a tattoo of their number and where to return them to
There are no real words to describe how bad people can be on a night out. You can use swear words, gagging sounds or even an eye roll to explain your disgust, but to be honest, all types of categories are really a health hazard. Here are a list of those to avoid on London nights out, and where to find them.
The toilet wrecker in Walkabout
You know the one – “be right back, just popping to the loo”. On return, their tie has some remains of a Waterfront burger (with curly fries, obvs) while seconds later a large ruckus is heard from the toilets, where a chundering of such magnitude has occurred that some people may never be the same again.
You turn around to confront this loo abuser, only to see him on the pull on the podium, before quickly nipping back to the toilets once more.
The ‘I’m off my face’ clubber in Ministry of Sound
Walking into Ministry toilets is quite a risk. Most people end up staggering out feeling a bit too energetic than an average wee should make you feel, and after 20 minutes slow down into a trance that only David Attenborough could describe.
Movements become sluggish and out of time with heavy bass, and if you’re not careful, you could be propping them up in the smoking area to convince the bouncer they’ve “just had a bit too much to drink”.
The constant complimenter in Tiger Tiger and XOYO
All gals love a compliment for their outfit on a night out. Yet in these clubs, the bathrooms are rife with even the most obscure compliment: “Omg you’re eyelashes, are they fake or are they real?”
The most friendly are the ones with clutches filled with emergency supplies. All in all, there are feel good vibez are in these bathrooms. 10/10 would recommend for a self-esteem boost.
Alive for the Seshlehem in Brixton Jamm
You know exactly what type of girl this is. She’s the one in a cap, french braids, Stans and her Instagram bio says “arrested for destroying the dance floor”.
Always a roadman for that hardcore house music, her main dance moves are drunken slurs and she won’t remember a thing the next day. #eslay
“LAD LAD LAD LAD LAD” at Lightbox
Murky at Lightbox Mondays is for those house/Skepta/Stormzy fans who love nothing but psychedelic lights and music to continuously nod your head to.
Filthy bass lines and ecstatic guys jumping in circles are common. It’s so easy to get lost in Lightbox, so be careful, and be prepared to have someone sweaty bounce up against you.
The dirty pinter in any Spoons
God bless Spoons for being there whenever you are skint and desperately need a pint, but on a Saturday night the lads on a pub crawl are the biggest “nope”.
The sympathy for the poor guy who has to down the dirty pint of everyone’s mix of drinks, who throws, only to be hammering down a McDonald’s down hours later. Avoid being late and you will not be the dirty pinter.
The ‘fancy dress is life lad’ in Proud Camden
Fancy dress costume is limited to fancy dress parties. This is a rule. And yet you’ll always find some guy doing things for ‘banter’ and sporting a flamingo suit. The flamingo suit may harm your eyes for a suitable second before someone throws up on it and then it just is a blur of colours.
“It’s not my round I swear” in The Dover
That person who is always missing for their rounds, but swoops down like a bald eagle when hearing the cry “who wants a drink then?”
A great pub to watch the football and have pints, but a few drunken and rather generous moments later you’ve bought ‘the stinger’ a round of drinks before he or she disappears into the night.