All the things that Sheffield High really teaches you

This is what that £10,000 per year got us


Skirts are never short enough

The Sheffield High uniform consists of a tartan skirt, which somehow manages to mix snot-green with vomit-green, and a navy jumper. There’s also a green school shirt, but to glimpse more than the collar is a rare sight. This is due to the existence of a bizarre school rule, the origins of which remain unknown, that the removal of the jumper inevitably leads to social suicide. Those who remove the jumper are regarded within the community with the same disdain that the general population has for people who don’t say “thank you” when you hold the door open for them.

However, the main thing we learnt at Sheffield High was the magic of making skirts which fall at the regulation three inches above the knee into green tartan belts. If you’re arse cheek isn’t hanging out, you’re out.

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Birkdale boys exist for us

Birkdale is a private boys-only school about ten minutes away from Sheffield High. The sole reason for the existence of Birkdale is to offer Sheffield High students the chance to have a first kiss before university.

What it means to have potential

In order for the teachers in Sheffield High to give a shit about you, you needed to have potential. ‘Potential’ is defined in Sheffield High as planning to go to university and never getting below a B. If neither of these things were true, then you didn’t have potential. Unless, of course, your parents donated large sums of money to the school, in which case you were a prodigy.

What happened during all assemblies

Those who did go to assembles would have to listen to the headmistress mention the school’s place in the league tables at least once every 10 minutes. Those who didn’t go to assembly would generally be found hiding in the toilets googling pictures of a topless Chris Hemsworth and gossiping about which Birkdale boy got with which Sheffield High girl at the last Birkdale disco.

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The Year 11 “common” room is all about elitism

The It girls had the biggest corner – naturally. They need the extra room for all their expensive make-up and huge egos. The rest is everyone who hates the It girls for stealing the Birkdale boys from them.

Broomhill has more hiding spots than shops

Whether it’s to smoke without the teachers seeing, or drink without the teachers seeing, or make out with your boyfriend without the teachers seeing, or make out with your ‘best-friend’s’ boyfriend without your ‘best-friend’ seeing – between the alley and the car-park on top of Morrison’s, Broomhill has more hiding spots than a squirrel has for its nuts.

The Birkdale Disco is to introduce eleven-year-olds to the only boys they’ll ever meet

The Birkdale Disco, held for the Y7s and Y8s of Sheffield High and Birkdale exists to allow the children to socialise – most for the first time – with the opposite sex. The room is always divided into two, as everyone is too busy looking at the other side at the members of the opposite sex and rating their attractiveness to actually talk to them.

Girls are awful

The one, main thing you learn from Sheffield High is that Shakespeare was right: hell, hath no fury like a woman scorned. Even if that woman has no reason to be scorned. Even if that woman is just on her period. Girls are mean and aggressive and manipulative and sneaky. Just hope you’re lucky enough to find a few genuine friends or you’ll never make it out alive, or even sane.