A guide to the three types of basic bitch you will find in London

Basic bitches are to be found everywhere. They are a bit cooler in London than anywhere else in the country, since London is cooler than anywhere else in the country. But by God do they exist here.

In London, there are three main types of basic bitch.

Average-type Basic

One sec, just gotta make sure everyone knows i’m out having fun!! xx

They Snapchat every second of their waking life, though they also pretend quite hard that they dgaf. They Instagram rooftop bars that they’ve seen on TimeOut. They’re reasonably pretty, in a basic way – kind of like how an emoji is pretty. They try and wear garms only they all from Topshop, and their opinions are predictable: after five mins talking to them you could guess their view on any other topic. Also, they feature in a lot of photos with nice looking food and/or drinks.

Like this

I-Really-Like-Grime-Type Basic

Wus gd

They have a special way of standing just for photos, that whole crouch situation, which no-one ever does in normal life ever. They dress in top to toe Asos/Urban Outfitters, because they are very Urban remember.

thinkin all about how urban she’s looking

They dutifully go to at least one Underground Event a week where they’ll be wearing without fail: Air Force, black leggings, puffa jacket, Nike cap and hoops. They sometimes add two French plaits to this ensemble, and always do the contouring thing on their faces. Plus, they pretend they’re from less privileged backgrounds than they are.

average-type basic (left) meets i-like-grime-type basic (right)

I-Go-To-Art-School-Type Basic

Camus once said, ‘freedom is nothing but a chance to be cheddar’

They wear converse (post-ironically) and they smoke Marlboro straights. They mention Berlin every second sentence, and own some kind of signature dark cape/cloak/deconstructed coat. In their portfolios are photographs of their own bodies, naked, in free interaction with voiles and vegetarian bolognese (or something like that). They mis-quote Camus a lot. Ultimately, they are terrified of seeming basic…which is why they recently got a tattoo of some Cypro-Minoan syllabary along their inner thigh: to prove once and for all that they are Complex.