What Tom Cruise can expect now he’s moving to East Grinstead

On Wednesday the Daily Mail broke the news that Tom Cruise is coming to live in East Grinstead, a place I’ll bet you hadn’t heard of until now. Needless to say, this was the most exciting thing to happen to East Grinstead since, well, ever. So what can Maverick expect from a little town in West Sussex?

There’s not exactly much to do here

Tom Cruise famously does almost all his own stunts, so you’d think he’d be pretty keen to live somewhere where excitement is round every corner. East Grinstead is not that. The first thing listed under the places of interest section of our Wikipedia page is “the high street contains one of the longest continuous runs of 14^th century timber-framed buildings in England”. Not very Ethan Hunt.

Riveting

Although if Tom does take an interest in buildings older than his country we have more history to offer. The Top Gun star can swap fighter planes for steam trains if he goes for a ride along the Bluebell railway. I’m sure he’ll find it riveting.

Nightlife

East Grinstead has one club – Poison IV. It’s the classic hometown club – small, sticky and loveable. Plus it’s located right next door to a spoons so if Tom wants to experience the classic English night out, he’s come to the right place.

Local Celebrities

Tom Cruise is coming from L.A., the celebrity capital of the world, so he may think he’ll miss his celebrity mates down here. But East Grinstead has it covered; Peter Andre’s brother runs a coffee shop on the high street, and if that’s not celebrity, what is?

No one actually cares about Scientology

But we all know the real reason he’s coming. Tom has come to stay in the Scientology UK headquarters, and I’m pretty sure he expects to be surrounded by like-minded people. And you’d think that when a sleepy little town has a religion that took “Show me the money” a bit too far set up down the road it would take notice. But the people of East Grinstead treat it the only way British people know how – we ignore it. No-one really cares. I mean sure, every now and again there’s a wave of Scientologists down the High Street, all in ‘Church of Scientology’ branded jackets, and we just treat them the way the rest of the world should. Instead of complaining about how they’re a cult, a science-fiction writer’s brainchild, or just a moneymaking trick, we just get on with our day.

So there you go Tom, it may not be exciting, but you’re learn to love it, and at least you’ve managed to finally convinced my friends that this little town in the south-east is actually real.