Meet the Guy’s Hospital rugby squad

It’s a rarity that the people of Guy’s campus get much of a look in in The Tab. Perhaps this is due to our full timetables dedicated to improving the lives of others. Maybe it’s because of the bitter healthcare vs. humanities rivalry across the two campuses. Most likely it’s because of our dire English skills, and inability to string together a cohesive sentence on paper.

Whichever of these is true, this article gives you a chance to get a closer look at the Guy’s Hospital Rugby squad which will be turning out in this Wednesday’s Macadam Cup.

Keir Smith

Position: Prop

Course: History

Year: 2nd

First Language: Welsh

Injury Rate: 230 per annum

Daniel-Clement Osei-Bordom

Position: Prop

Course: Medicine

Year: 5th

Weight: 28.5Kg

Speciality: Chip and Chase

Ben Ridley

Position: Hooker/ 6 (sometimes 7)

Course: Medicine

Year: 2nd

KCL Hottest Rugby Player Titles: 1

Bowel Movements: Unpredictable

Calum Luke

Position: Prop/Flanker/Fly-Half

Course: Medicine

Year: 2nd

Tackling/10: 8

Beard/10: 1

Number of clean shirts: 0

Marco Marcello

Position: Prop

Course: Medicine (GPEP)

Year: 1st

Aggression: High

Penalty Count: Higher

Tommy Knight

Position: Second Row

Course: Adult Nursing

Year: 3rd

Left Feet: 2

Ambition: Jack Dee Impersonator

Samir Zaman

Position: Second Row

Course: Medicine

Year: 3rd (Intercalating)

Speciality: Crash Ball

Favourite Newspaper: Toss up between The Sun and the Daily Mirror (tough choice)

Jack Lilly D’Cruz

Position: Flanker/Centre

Course: Medicine

Year: 3rd

Favourite Drink: Quad Vod

Status on Borough High Street: Unpopular

Tom Francis

Position: Flanker

Course: PhD in Stem Cell Research

Year: 7th possibly 8th

Wingspan: Albatross

Wife and Kids: Probable

Celebrity Impersonator: Steven Avery

Henry Poon

Position: Number 8

Course: Medicine

Year: 1st

Former Club: UCL

Hates: The Strand, The Gym and the Labour Party

Ben Murphy

Position: Scrum-Half

Course: Medicine

Year: 1st

Mental Age: 12

Birthplace: The Forest Moon of Endor

Tom Axon

Position: Scrum-Half

Course: Medicine

Year: 4th (Intercalating)

1st XV appearances: 0

2nd XV appearances: 0

Passing: Oh it’s Gawjus!

Josh Brown

Position: Fly-Half

Course: Biomedical Sciences

Year: 2nd

Past Experience: Starting Tighthead for Sussex U15-18

Inspiration: Andy Goode, WP Nel

Rich Hall

Position: Centre

Course: Medicine

Year: 4th

Favourite Book: Thus Spake Zarathustra

Favourite Film: Chicken Run

Tom Crisp

Position: Centre

Course: Medicine

Year: 4th

Facial Symmetry: Lacking

Social Skills: Lacking

Titles: Earl, Duke, Viscount

Alex Gerard

Position: Centre

Course: Medicine

Year: 3rd

Perceived Colour of Hair: Auburn

Colour of Hair: Ginger

Flynn Griffith

Position: Wing

Course: Medicine

Year: 2nd

Macadam Cups:Cards Ratio: 1:3 (2 yellows, 1 red)

Nickname: Red Stripe

David Sparkhall

Position: Wing

Course: Medicine

Year: 4th

Position on Committee: Social Sec

Socials Attended: 3

Celebrity Look-alike: Clare Balding

EJ Osebor

Position: Wing

Course: Medicine

Year: 1st

Interests: ACS, Snapchat, Sick Fades

Dislikes: James Kemp’s cream lathered torso

Al “Al” Macfarlane

Position: Centre/Wing

Course: Medicine (GPEP)

Year: 3rd

Fashion Sense: N/A

Utensils Used for Cutting Hair: Bowl, Basin, Medium Lampshade

James Kemp

Position: Fullback/Centre

Course: Ancient History

Year: 1st

Worth School Battle of the Band Titles: 2

Wife and Kids: Confirmed

Edd Conway

Position: Head Coach

Hair Coverage: Wayne Rooney (Pre-transplant)

Likes: Nights out with the team

Dislikes: Guy’s Bar/Belushi’s Door Staff

Rory Hartley

Position: Forwards Coach

Composition: 20% Cardboard, 80% Porcelain

Committee Position: Culture Secretary

Political Ideology: Suspect