Which London club are you?

Nobody wants to be Mahiki


Which of these clubber categories best fits you?

XOYO

You’re the go-to good time – you actually look good in a snapback and you can cut them shapes like nobody’s business. You’ve got a cracking body because you’re into one of those attractive sports involving a board that glides (skateboarding, snowboarding, surfing). You’re inside the speaker till the bitter end and you know exactly where to find the worthy after parties/kebabs when you leave.

t

Me too

The Bussey Building

There are three different languages spoken in your squad, you wear coats from vintage kilo sales in East and you nail bedhead hair perfectly. You skipped pres, since you came straight from life-drawing.  Your smoking area talks range from JME to Tolstoy, you’re left-wing, and you meditate.

how they all so blonde and beautiful

How are they all so blonde and beautiful

The Roxy

You’re man enough to admit London’s a big old town and, sometimes, a safe place in which to neck £8.50 pitchers and slut drop to Justin Timberlake is a basic human need. You smile kindly at the thought of people who spend 40 mins on public transport then fork out £16 for entry to some angry, dirty basement, all in a desperate bid to be deemed “cool” by the powers that be.

Poor souls. You hope they find what they’re looking for, because you have – a place where you can get drunk in peace, where you’ll know most people and every illustrious Top 40 tune in there.

such inner peace

Oh Usher, that lyrical genius

Mahiki

Signet ring, Christmas hols in the Maldives and an Uber Exec account linked to your dad’s credit card.

Koko/Saucy

You can drink a camel under the table. Your standard night = getting mortal and pulling someone in a similar state, but ultimately it all pans out so unfortunate that you’ll never be able to speak to that person again. Nevertheless you head straight back there next week for an exact repeat. You probably are, or are goinbg out with, a rugby boy.

Fabric

By day (if you’re awake before 4pm) you’re quite reserved and your skin has a glow worm-ish tinge from lack of natural light. Your eyes look like they’ve seen the secrets of the universe – the matrix is known to you. To be fair, if you’ve got the tube home from Farringdon at 8.10am when you can’t remember your own name/see in 3D, you’ve glimpsed the great unknown.

steezus christ

Would shrivel in direct sunlight

Tape/Loop

You probably do Geography and your best friend does Vet Science. You own a full set of those Stabilo fineliner pens and your summer internship is sorted already – your mum’s just so pleased. Your motto is “Work hard, play hard”.

Piccadilly Institute

Where the Shortbread Baking Society go when they wanna lose their minds. If you know, you know. Is this you?

Corsica Studios/Oval Space

Your vibe is dungarees and intriguing piercings. You and your mates have that aura of being quite fit and unapproachable – after all, two of you model for i-D.  But underneath it all you have a nice self-deprecating sense of humour and you’re talented at something surprising, like poetry.

Oval Space

Looks fun

Egg/Ministry of Sound

You have a back catalogue of three holidays in Ibiza and a tattoo of a marijuana leaf on your hip, though four tokes is still all it takes for you to think it’s OK to nap in a bin. You say things like “Let’s get murked tonight” and “WOII”.

classic mate such a classic night

Classic mate such a classic night

Phonox/Lightbox

You are the UO shirt and shiny new Stan Smiths job, and you avoided the bumbag coz you know they’re getting mainstream now. You conscientiously listen to all the right Boiler Rooms – but at the end of the day you, like your carefully curated Instagram account, try a bit too hard.

she;'s sure she's sicker than you

She’s sure she’s sicker than you

The Nest

Hahahahha you are just an incredible person.

Walkabout

It's a glorious place

It’s a glorious place

This hallowed ground, the mother of all clubs. Wherever else we may identify with, we are all also Walkabout. How hashtag blessed we are to have this glorious student night in our lives. May it live forever.