I turned Vegan for a week

I went vegan between Christmas and New Year and it was sort of okay but not really.

It’s Christmas Eve, I’m full of yule log and festive cheer and I see this article, in which a student at Oxford Brookes attempts to go vegan for a week, but, completely understandably, fails at the hands of TGI Fridays.

“How hard can it be?” From Boxing Day to New Year’s Day, I tell myself, I will tread this path where others have sadly fallen.

So, on Boxing Day, overflowing with determination, I took the plunge and went vegan. Here’s how I managed.

Day One: Boxing Day

First up, I reached for my face cream, only to remember that it’s not vegan. So annoying. But, thinking of the animals, I headed off for breakfast, hoping all the good karma would bring me naturally dewy skin.

Because it was Christmas literally yesterday, the fridge wasn’t exactly vegan friendly, offering a choice of basically meat or chocolate. But even a vegan can’t go wrong with classic Marmite on toast.

So far, veganism seemed like a piece of egg/dairy-free cake. I wasn’t really missing out on anything. And as the day progressed, and my search history became increasingly full with “is **** vegan?”, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that veganism isn’t just eating kale washed down with juiced beetroot. Loads of normal stuff is vegan too, like baked beans (I immediately ran to the kitchen for beans on toast).

The only disappointment came when the internet hinted that Oreos might be vegan. After spending a good fifteen minutes reading through forums of vegans arguing about Oreos, I defeatedly decided to play it safe and go Oreo-free.

My dad made a lentil casserole for dinner, which looked pretty gross, it tasted quite nice, but it was definitely missing something. I suspect meat.

Day two

Because snacking is way too much effort when you have to google everything to make sure it wasn’t made on a conveyor belt containing wool fibres (not even kidding), I’m not eating as much as usual. As a result of this, I’m absolutely fucking starving.

I made some porridge for breakfast with water. It wasn’t great, and reminded me of the over-the-top diet I went on before my sixth form prom. At this point I was regretting not doing a vegan-friendly supermarket run.

I made it to Sainsbury’s in the afternoon, desperately hungry and daydreaming about smoked salmon and double cream. Still reeling from the porridge-in-water experience, I rushed to the dairy alternatives section. Well played, vegans: it’s pretty impressive what you can make fake milk out of. Shame it’s all absolutely rank.

I’m allergic to almonds and I already know that soy milk makes me feel sick, so I picked out some vanilla-flavour ‘Rice Dream’. It’s a total nightmare, and tastes like water mixed with custard powder. I also got some oat milk which, considering I couldn’t hack porridge made with water, was stupid. I don’t know what I was expecting but they’d literally just soaked oats in water and sold me the shitty oat water for £2. Grim.

Day three

Probably the best thing about being vegan so far is that I’ve rediscovered fruit, which since going to uni has remained relatively untouched. Also, bourbon biscuits have become the latest contender for ‘best and most unlikely vegan snack’.

Probably the worst thing (apart from nearly fainting from hunger in Marks and Spencers): I went to the football today and couldn’t have my usual sausage bean and cheese melt from Greggs. Instead, I had to have falafel bites and hummus at half time. They were obviously lush, but given the setting, I felt like a bit of a prick.

I couldn’t even have a pint because of the fish bladders thing. As the man behind me said when Newcastle went 1-0 down after five minutes: ‘it’s just nee fuckin’ good, like.’

I also ventured into the world of vegan pesto at dinner time. You know how pesto tastes really, really good? When they replace the cheese with tofu, it doesn’t. So if I’ve learned anything from being vegan, it’s that cheese is the key ingredient in pesto.

Day four

As time passes, veganism is getting easier. I’ve got used to always feeling a bit weak and a bit hungry, and I’m getting good at reading labels for pesky non-vegan additives. It’s not ideal and it’s a bit of a faff, but it’s not a total nightmare, even if the dairy alternatives are.

Today I met a friend for coffee and had my first experience of socialising as a vegan. Faced with the temptation of my usual Starbucks’ whipped cream and chocolate bonanza, it did kind of suck settling for a bottle of juice. But I lived, and obviously so did the animals. Win-win!

Dinner time proved a bit of a struggle though, as I started to experience major McDonald’s cravings. This is where vegans do miss out. I really am an animal lover, but I am also a fast-food lover. And the veggie burger and vegan potato alphabet thingies just didn’t cut it. The heart wants what the heart wants, and it wants a McChicken Sandwich.

Day five

After hearing so many horror stories about how vegan chocolate is absolutely disgusting, I’d been putting off trying it. But actually, it’s not bad at all. It looks like chocolate, smells like chocolate, and pretty much tastes like it. It’s not as rich or creamy, but it does the job.

But where there is an up, there must be a down, and today it was finding out that classic veggie life saver, Quorn, is NOT VEGAN. I spent all day looking forward to fake chicken pasta, but alas, the fake chicken was not fake enough.

In other news, I felt pretty ill today, and veganism is totally starting to get to me. Without wanting to be too graphic, my digestive system has definitely seen better days. On top of that, my nails feel brittle, my skin is dry (the karma thing didn’t work out) and I’m pretty exhausted. The internet says this is pretty normal for a newbie vegan. Like that makes it better.

Day six: New Year’s Eve

The end was in sight by now, which was good because I was clamming for literally anything that isn’t vegan. Even though the diet isn’t as ridiculously foreign as I expected, my mind and my body both knew that something was definitely missing.

Obviously with it being New Year’s Eve, I desperately tried to sufficiently line my stomach, but I felt so rubbish that I couldn’t even finish my final vegan meal of chickpea curry.

Before going out, I sat through pre-drinks with vegan-friendly beer feeling worryingly drained and a bit sick. I really had to force myself to power through until I was actually having a good night. Pretty tragic.

Afterwards, while my friends knocked back pizza and kebabs, my only option was chips. I wasn’t sure if they were actually vegan but, ashamedly, it did get to a certain point in the night where, as a faux-vegan, I wasn’t really arsed.

Day seven: New Year’s Day

After spending all week waiting, I was actually too hungover to eat anything, vegan or otherwise, which is just bloody typical.

But overall, even though it wasn’t as terrible as I thought, I wouldn’t go vegan and I wouldn’t recommend it.

From a health perspective, I haven’t lost any weight, I look like death, and I feel like crap. From an ethical standpoint, I have newfound respect for vegans because they are seriously committed. On the whole, it was a novel experience, but the reality is that I’m not convinced.