The worst things about KCL

Being a student at one of the top universities in the world is a privilege that we should all cherish and value, however there are certain features that really stand out in their thoughtfulness and design to truly enrich the student experience.

To ensure we don’t unjustly take these daily experiences for granted, here is an average day in the life of a King’s student illustrating what really makes our university so very…special.

The stimulating entrance

As the tide recedes, the casualties are left behind

While students at other universities may find it a constant battle to stay alert when rushing to a 9am lecture after a night out, KCL has ensured students arriving at Strand campus have no choice but to be switched on from the minute they enter campus.

The hung-over slump is quickly transformed into an alert crouching stance, with narrowed eyes zoned in on the revolving doors. Various tactics can be admired, from the baby crab on the beach, edging cautiously forwards, to the Kamikaze dive bombers rushing headlong into the turbine.

Spinning at the speed of ‘fuck I’m late’ and ‘I can’t wait to go back to bed’, the man sized blender which we bravely face off develops a natural determination not to get killed which you just won’t find anywhere else. Employers take note.

The social setting

View from the stairs

The experience doesn’t end there. As you’re launched out into the Stand lobby, you’re faced with the next quest on your journey to turn up to your lecture.

Due to KCL not being a campus university, it has a rather disjointed student body. You go to lectures and go home, rarely meeting your fellow students.

That’s where the genius of our university kicks in – by creating an incredibly narrow route from the Strand building to the King’s building, you’re forced to interact with pretty much every fellow student as you try to squeeze through.

Whilst most interactions may be in the form of elbowing and resting bitch face contests, you’re sure to develop a bond you’d otherwise never have as you shoulder barge past that special someone every Wednesday morning.

Work friendly lifts

Day 3 – I’ve once again slept past my floor

So you’ve made it to the King’s building, but now the only way is up. For some reason you decide today is the day that taking the elevator is going to be the quicker option. It isn’t.

As you join the refugee camp slowly forming at the ground floor lifts, the UN shelters and starved out students crumpled on the floor 15 minutes into their lecture, you realise that once again your university has exceeded expectations.

Having once more decided to do all your readings the day of your lecture, you’re sure to get through at least a few chapters before a lift turns up. It’s a design that truly caters to students.

And when it does turn up, it’ll be going down because of that one cretin who spends his free time finishing the loo roll and leaving gum in the middle of the pavement, going to goddam floor -1.

Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.

Health boosting IT rooms

There was a ventilation system..?

So after inevitably packing into the elevator to the point that no one leaves without having at least achieved second base, you find that after stopping at every floor on the way up you’ve missed your lecture. No worries though, you figure you’ll redeem yourself by having a productive session in the IT room.

After entering, then leaving thinking you accidentally entered the campus sauna, then returning again when you realise everyone is dressed, you finally settle down at one of the televisions and begin work.

However on top of providing us with all the health benefits of sweating out all our nasty toxins, King’s has once again gone one step further.

Knowing the ill effects of sitting hunched in front a screen for prolonged amounts of time, you’ll be sure to be reminded to take a short exercise break by being forced to move every hour due to some stupid class no one even cares about.

Environmentally friendly printers

Saving up for a whole tree by summer!

But the benefits don’t just extend to you. As you print off an essay you realise that paying 9 grand a year doesn’t mean you don’t have to fork out a meal deal’s worth to print your work.

KCL even lets you know how much Trees, energy and Carbon you’ve purchased, so you know exactly where the money is going. Unlike the nine grand.