How to pick up women…without being sexist

Feminists have long been highlighting the blatant sexism in modern day courting rituals. The bastion of this being the everyday approaches made by young men towards women in clubs and bars where most of this goes on.

Students are amongst this demographic, and the modern day plague of ‘Lad’ culture is threatening to raise a generation of men who have no respect towards women. Whilst not directly endorsed by any feminist organisation, this guide aims to tackle this modern day relic of patriarchy once and for all.

Scenario 1 – Buying a drink

One of the most common tactics of getting into a girl’s pants, is offering to buy her a drink – error. If you’re one of these uneducated barbarians who resort to beverage bribery for amorous advances, you probably already hate women so much you buy the Sun just for page 3.

Who do you think you are? Some kind of grizzled lumberjack nurturing this weak, helpless, woman with your demonstration of being able to provide for her future offspring? You might as well just dump tackle her onto the floor, force your nipple into her mouth whilst roaring ‘SUCKLE ON MY PRIVILEGE’

An ideal amorous exchange of goods

This is the 21^st century, and we recognize women are perfectly capable of providing for themselves. How can you ever expect to pick up anything more than a slap and a men’s rights membership when you’re demeaning women like this?

Instead of offering a drink, offer her to buy – you – a drink. This way you show that you’re a modern educated male recognising her ability to be a provider in her own right. You also show that you respect her and aren’t looking to spike her drink, drag her out into your house and force her to cook you dinner.

If she isn’t left open mouthed at this breath of fresh air in the stuffiness of the all penetrating patriarchal society we live in, as well as practically begging to do your laundry, she’s clearly not interested and you should stop oppressing her with your presence.

Scenario 2 – The dance floor

After a few drinks many men on the dance floor suddenly acquire the confidence to truly show their inner pig and begin their primitive buttock grabbing and forced grinding ritual.

If you want to pick up a woman instead of hateful glares and friction burns on your personal weapon, don’t do this. Unless you’re Gary Glitter in a nursery, no one enjoys being in the middle of a slow motion mosh pit, you might think you’re John Travolta, but drunk, sweaty attempts at grinding really aren’t that attractive.

What you think you look like..

…what you really look like

Firstly always try to keep at least a metres distance – this can be hard on a crowded dance floor and you may lose the opportunity to approach your target. However tactical dance moves such as ‘the-helicopter’ mixed up with some well executed Jamaican daggering, should eventually clear up enough space.

If there is no response you could be a sap and blame the blaring dub step, the distance, as well as the 6 foot 4 Adonis steadily prowling towards her mammaries, or you could face reality and realize she’s just not interested in you and move on.

Scenario 3 – Asking her out for a date

So, you’ve been salivating over this solid 8.7 out of 10 who always sits in front of you at lectures or you always walk past on your way home. Sure your mate thinks she’s a 6.5 but he’s just annoyed because you said that girl he barely remembers getting with last night was barely a 4, so you decide to go for it anyway.

Do you:

A) Come up to her and tell her you’ve not been able to take your eyes off her and were wondering if she’d go for a drink with you some time, or

B) Abstain from being a bigoted guinea worm of society.

‘Good God your EYES!’

Hopefully you chose B. You can’t just objectify women like that; they’re people, not just a piece of meat with make-up and a huge amount of emotional baggage you discover too late. Commenting on her physical appearance is just another way of manifesting your sexist ideals and privilege – you wouldn’t say her hips could facilitate Siamese triplets, so why on earth would you say she has nice eyes?

Instead, how about you go up to your fellow Homo Sapien, offer your sincere apologies for arrogantly assuming she owed you her attention, and then explain that after you saw her you couldn’t help thinking about how great her personality might be. You might want to do this whilst quietly crying, if not to show you’re not afraid to show your sensitive side, then at least to hold her attention.

To be honest you probably couldn’t even pick -her- up

Scenario 4 – Valentines

Patrick’s charm lies in his incredible singing voice

Sure it’s a little bit cheesy, but no matter how much we label it as commercialised and meaningless, most people have attached a little bit of meaning to it – hence it’s the perfect time to finally initiate your pincer movement. One pincer consists of your expertly honed charm, and the other of the flowers or chocolates you bring with you. Surely success is inevitable?

No. The only thing that’s inevitable is that you probably like every post by ‘Lad Bible’ on your newsfeed and think Sharia law ‘is a pretty good shout’. Stop playing Blurred Lines on repeat for just one moment and educate yourself as to how to pick up a woman at this crucial time of the year.

Flowers and chocolates are a big no no. You’re automatically fitting her into a stereotype – ‘she’s just a girl who likes pink things, ribbons, sweet things and flowers’. Just go away and take pictures of women eating on the tube you monster!

How do you know she doesn’t want the latest Call of Duty? Or a wrench? How would you feel if someone just judged you on your gender and got you a play station?

Valentines oppression can flow both ways

If you truly want to charm her with a material offering, why not make it something unisex and practical, like a deodorant?

At the end of the day, you’re just a well groomed sasquatch in a tight t-shirt, but by following these rules you should find no trouble into tricking girls into thinking you’re a decent person!