King’s to merge with South Bank University

The Tab can exclusively report that today King’s College council members officially announced the planned merger of King’s College London and London South Bank University.*

‘We’re really excited to announce the merger of our leading establishments, which we think will be a big step towards our plan to re-establish Kings as a world class institution’ read the shocking report which outlined the re-distribution of resources and departments starting Autumn 2014 and to be completed by Spring 2018.

The University of South Bank is to retain its name for the first few years as administrative absorbtion is completed, but will eventually effectively become the sixth King’s campus.

Your brand new campus?

Lord Duoro, Chairman of the King’s Administrative Council, explained in a statement that the process of cohesion will be ‘complex and time consuming’ as the departments of Philosophy and English are relocated to the South Bank building to free up space for planned refurbishments of the Strand Campus.

Upon questioning, university authorities confirmed that the relocated Kings students will temporarily belong to the University of South Bank and receive degree awards under that name. However students were re-assured this would only be the case for the ‘first three academic years’.

The controversial plan, which will see over 7 million pounds of student fees re-allocated from the scrapped book purchases for the Maughan, has been hailed by the council as a move that will see the ‘university’s academic capabilities excel’.

Many damaged books which were due to be replaced

The university council members were ‘excited’ to announce a vastly expanded array of Joint Honours augmenting student prospects in what are already world class programmes, by suitably preparing them for their future after University.

Utilising South Bank’s unmatched academic experience as one of the top 200 British Universities, courses such as ‘Philosophy and Mental Health Management’ and ‘English and Housing studies’ will be added to the already ‘competitive variety’ of courses offered by King’s.

KCL principal and President Sir Rick Trainor, stated that ‘offering a quality education’ was at the core of the University ethos, and  South Bank’s intense ‘Education Studies’ BA is something that King’s just can’t compete with and we are ‘very lucky’ to gain access to it.

The University of South Bank, which boasts a star studded alumni including Enoch Showunmi, striker for Plymouth Argyle F.C., and Alison Jane Williamson, who came 17th for archery in the 2008 Beijing Olympics, was unavailable for comment.

However they will no doubt be relieved to receive such a generous benefactor, helping retain its position as top 10 in the country for Baking Technology Management.

World leading experts will make sure you’ll never burn your pizza again

King’s Creative Writing Society treasurer praised the move on twitter, saying it has been ‘far too long that King’s hasn’t offered a BA in Creative Writing’.

King’s students can now be distracted from the ordeal of not having the books they need available in the library, by a campus hugely rich in facilities, and optional modules in the vastly oversubscribed ‘Refugee Studies’.

A sight only to become more common

King’s students expressed disbelief at the planned merger, James Repton, a second year philosophy student commented ‘Are they serious? This could seriously affect my chance of getting a job – I applied to King’s, not South Bank!’

Assurance of the teaching quality being maintained didn’t prevent some emotional reactions amongst a group of students in the Maughan, already stressed about deadlines. Many didn’t even know South Bank existed. Samantha West, a third year English student sobbed ‘we need more books for f***s sake, not Chinese acupuncture courses’.

Unmoved by protests the King’s College Council is set to begin staff transferrals from June this year.

*Gotcha. Check the date guys…