People offended by swearing should f**k off

The swear police are the most miserable people on earth.


Perhaps I’m biased. My parents efforts to curb swearing were relatively short-lived. One of the fondest memories of my childhood is my mother screaming ‘fuck’ in a particularly bad traffic jam.

Nothing undermines a rule like breaking it yourself, eh mum and dad? So I grew up fairly free to revel in the joys of swearing and fairly intolerant of people who berated me for it.

Yet the benefits of swearing really are under-appreciated. It’s funny. There’s no getting around it, it is the easiest form of comedy out there. It’s also incredibly satisfying – contrary to what people offended by swearing might tell you, it’s a pretty effective means of venting anger. Scientists have also found that swearing when you injure yourself actually dulls the pain.

Of course there are times when you’re better dialing down the profanities. Grandparents, I find, tend to be unreceptive to them. Job interviews, also, are better kept clean. Sometimes, however, there are situations where ‘oh gosh, what a pain’ isn’t going to cut it. Sometimes the only thing that can help you is screaming expletives and effing and blinding. And, believe me, nothing will make you want to swear more than the swear-police.

Who are the swear-police?

THE FORMAL COMPLAINTS FAN

Perpetually offended and never satisfied. These guys have made it their life’s work to sniff out anything at which they can take offence. Nothing makes their day more than a TV presenter saying ‘crap’ live on air.  Oh, the horror! Who are these people? I can only assume they’re the same people that peer out from behind their net curtains to see if they can report their neighbours for improper recycling. And ironically for them, they are the definition of twats.

THE EAVES-DROPPER

Similar to the formal complaints fan, in that they’re always on the hunt for something to be horrified by. It might not be any of their business what you say when you’re out with your friends, but it’s about to be. In fact, everything is their business, especially your private conversations. The KGB ain’t got nothing on them and nothing is more scandalous than someone swearing in a conversation they’re not part of.

THE DO-GOODER

The problem with following the do-gooder’s example is that your vocabulary shrinks by about half. ‘Damn’ is now a swear word – use it once and you will burn in the depths of hell for all eternity. I was once given a pamphlet which informed me that cursing was a disease that would corrupt me, ruin my relationships and destroy the world. I can’t apologise enough for the impending apocalypse – my bad.

THE DOUBLE STANDARDS TWAT

These are the people that thought when Ian McEwan dropped the c-bomb in Atonement it was just fan-fucking-tastic. In fact, it all depends on context for this lot. From the mouth of a teenager, it’s a profanity. In the pages of a classic, it’s poetry. Swearing is fine if it’s art! Wrong. Be consistent, you bastards.

What’s actually wrong with swearing?

“It makes you sound stupid”

Some people will have you believe that swearing is a sign of low intelligence and poor vocabulary. Admittedly people whose every other word is a curse word sound like idiots. Apart from that, I don’t buy the idea that if you swear, you’re stupid and have a limited vocabulary. Some of the cleverest people I know are the worst culprits. In fact, swearing is dealt with by a totally different region of the brain to language, with scientists arguing that swearing is tied to emotion and instinct, not intelligence. And hey, you can’t fight science.

“It’s completely unnecessary”

We’ve all had the conversation, I’ve had it with my mother; the swearing-isn’t-necessary conversation. Now, I have a problem with this particular argument, in fact, I have two problems. First off, just because it’s not necessary doesn’t mean I should stop doing it. A lot of things we do – and enjoy doing – are not necessary. It’s not necessary to go on holiday, eat cake or drink champagne. So mother, let’s see how that pans out for you.

Second, it is necessary. Swear words add a new depth of meaning to a sentence it might otherwise have lacked. Exhibit A: the funny bone and the hard surface. If you, like me, have an ability to elbow door frames with impressive frequency, then you know what I’m talking about. It’s not very painful, it’s not really painful. It’s fucking painful. There is – I’m sorry – just no other way to describe the bone-shattering, agonizing hell of hitting your elbow against something.

So swear words are powerful assets, don’t waste them, by any means. But they’re not offensive. They’re harmless and satisfying when utilised appropriately. It’s not a sign of stupidity and they are certainly not meaningless or redundant. The amusing thing about the swear-police is that they’re partially responsible for their own disatisfaction – nothing gives me more pleasure than swearing for their benefit. So swear the fuck on, folks, and hopefully one of them will be listening.