Calling all freshers: The first year traps to avoid

Freshers’ Week: the most nail biting, confusing, terrifying 7 days ever?


It’s a muddle of polite conversing with strangers, of barely memorable nights, of having the piss taken out of your accent, and a lot of getting lost on campus.

Undoubtedly, however, your debut to uni life will teach you more than any of the lectures you’re going to snooze through in first year. It’s a learning curve full of traps but, fear not, here’s some ‘DON’Ts’ to put you wee freshers ahead of the game.

Don’t put an en-suite before a social life

It’s tempting to apply to the nicest, newest, swankiest halls. Who wouldn’t want the huge double beds and en-suites offered at Moonraker Point?! Sadly, however, luxury doesn’t equal fun, and what these halls boast in comfort, they lack in social buzz. You’re better to pay less, deal with the minuscule rooms and grimy bathrooms, and embrace mixing with people of all social and economic backgrounds. There’s nothing quite like bonding than coexisting in a shithole and it’s sure preferable to sitting alone in a pristine, overpriced shell of a room.

Our common room resembled a school hall but that was all part of the fun.

Don’t sign up to everything at Freshers’ Fair

The amount of people who told me to “sign up to EVERYTHING” – eurgh, I hate you all. A year and a half later and I’m still receiving emails from the gospel music soc and the Christian Union, despite the fact that I’m a tone-deaf atheist. I’m all for taking advantage of the free biros and trying out stuff that might float your boat, but I’d advise you to steer clear of writing your email address or mobile number on every single form – you will regret it.

Classic freshers.

Don’t go to stuck-up clubs and pose with bottles of vodka

Moving to London is a rollercoaster of an experience. You leave your quiet, sheltered life behind and, wham, you’re in one of the most exciting, multicultural cities in the world with “free” nights on tap. As a fresher, you are prime bait for Mayfair promo prats. Girls especially, you will be enticed by free entry and free tables. The icing on the cake: once you’re in the club, a group of drunken, slimy men will no doubt supply you with a bottle of Belvedere. There’s no shame in going along with it once or twice but hopefully you’ll look back on it and cringe – there’s few things worse than flirting for drinks and showing off about it.

Stop, just stop.

Don’t engage in crazy amounts of drunken networking

Even to this day, I have a contact saved in my phone under the title of ‘Guy in polkadot shirt’. I have no idea who this person is – just a blurry fragment of my fresher nostalgia. ‘Guy in polkadot shirt’ was not the only stranger to grace my contact list. By the end of Freshers’ Week, I had at least 50 new “contacts”, most of them acquired drunkenly and at least half of them not even long enough to be proper numbers. My advice: don’t waste time hoarding strangers’ numbers and, instead, enjoy your time making the funniest memories with randomers you’re probably never going to see again.

‘Guy in polkadot shirt’, where are you?

Don’t take it too far

We’ve all been there – the drunkest person on a night out. This was me three nights into Freshers’ Week at the infamous neon rave at Cable. I took the “raving” a bit too far and ending up vomming on my friend’s white trainers – it’s testimony to our friendship that he forgave me and we are still pals today. But freshers, you have been warned, don’t make a habit of being the biggest mess on a night out.

Having waaay too much fun.

Don’t pretend you’re independent

‘I am a confident fresher’ swagger is just unnecessary. You’re in a new place and you know nothing, so it’s perfectly acceptable to ask for help and not do things alone. I learnt this the hard way when I made my first trip to the formidable King’s building and got trapped in a fire exit. I managed to escape, only to find myself in an exterior stairway locked behind a gate. Thankfully, I had made some friends by this point, one of whom kindly came and rescued me. Even so, it was a pretty mortifying experience and one that put my so-called independence into question. Freshers, buddy up because, if you’re anywhere near as incompetent as me, you will not manage the first few weeks of uni alone.

The very site of my most traumatising fresher memory.

Don’t sweat it for that 9 am

In the grand scheme of things, first year means very little. Even our university seems to appreciate this with first year being defined by an abundance of optional classes and “formative” essays that don’t count. It’s like they’re encouraging us to skip class. However, a massive keeno and with the £9,000 fees playing on my mind, I tried to go to everything in first year. And what do I remember of those 9 am classes? Erm, not a lot. If it’s not worth it, don’t go.

I’m sure we can all empathise here.

Don’t get chubs

I laughed out loud when my personal tutor warned us that freshers gain an average of 10 pounds in their first year of university. How little I laugh now that my sixth form bod is distant memory. Let’s face it, you’re probably going to drink more in your first year of uni than throughout you’re whole previous life. The harsh reality: alcohol contains calories and hangovers have an annoying tendency to make you need to gorge on carbs in mammoth quantities. It’s really no surprise that everyone returns home for Christmas with considerably rounder faces…

Catered halls and being skinny definitely do not go hand in hand.

Don’t get a cringe job

I know I wasn’t alone in being shocked at just how much cash I got through as I adapted to student life, especially living in London. However, no matter how desperate you get, never (I repeat, never) become a promoter. You might think it’s an easy queue jumper for making friends and profiting from free nights, but it actually has the opposite effect. Another thing to watch out for – being “scouted” to work at Hollister. Unless you want to spend your days clad in bleached, ripped denim and hanging out with twats welcoming you “to the pier” every 5 seconds, then this job is a no-no. I say, have fun while you can – working’s for adulthood.

If your cover photo looks anything like this, then get lost.

Don’t go to uni in a relationship

Granted, there are people whose relationships withstand first year – maybe, like 0.03% of the student population? Most of my friendship group in halls came to uni with an other half, only to finish first year very much a single pringle – and no, my friends were not all sluts. As cliché as it sounds, first year is about meeting people, exploring your new home and going out as much as humanely possible. Truth be told, these things are always going to be preferable to skyping your loved one.

Ain’t nobody got time.