Everything they don’t tell you about Canterbury house parties

45 minutes of a house playlist that’s been hashed together in the back of a Peugeot 306

In a town where the best club is just a little bit less shit than the others, house parties are heralded as the student life-line for a decent Saturday night out.

You will have a fight over the music

You’re feeling loose on the goose, and if only Fergie would come on next, you might just get up on the dance floor to show everyone how your London Bridge goes down. But no, instead we have 45 minutes of a house playlist that’s been hashed together in the back of a Peugeot 306 by a guy who will not, at any cost, dance but instead stand mysteriously against a wall, still in his coat.

You will bump into your ex

In the small town of Canterbury, with friends and acquaintances which are bound to overlap, you might have to be pushed into the bathroom by your mate while your ex hovers in the hallway. If you don’t get to do that in time, then commence the awkward “what are you up these days?” conversation, and then you awkwardly mention you’re not seeing anyone…

If you don’t have a DJ, is it even a house party?

The average Canterbury nightclub can only offer an average night on two floors of average music. That means that your Spotify playlist on shuffle will simply not suffice. You need two crates of vinyls and someone who knows where to drop the needle.

Canterbury residents will complain

In a town that might not be big enough for the two of us, students and local residents are bound to clash over the decibels at which Stormzy is resonating through those thin walls, typical of the low-cost housing of Hales Place. And when you see the familiar flashing lights of blue on the street, it’s time to grab your coat and class As to head to the next impromptu location.

Eat before you come because ‘party food’ doesn’t exist 

You’re as likely to find a bowl of cheese-and-onion crisps as you are mango-filled duck eggs. In fact, the only trace of food that exists at house parties is found on the rim of toilet bowls and around the edges of the mouth of the guy passed out in your housemate’s bedroom.

The kitchen hosts an assembly line for rolling joints 

The kitchen, notorious for the location of idle gossip and your best mate making out with her future regret, is instead a factory consisting of hands passing down roach-card and long-skins, and tongues wetting the edges of brown paper wrapped around a baton of cannabis. These lot will soon vacate to a dimly lit room, adorned with eastern tapestries, and bop their heads perfectly in time to J Dilla.

It’s impossible to be secretly promiscuous 

It’s easy enough to sneak out the club with your lover for the evening, but it’s quite a feat at a house party. Firstly, you can’t just abandon your mate in Wincheap when you both live at the bottom of Elliot’s footpath – that’s just bad form. Secondly, idle gossip still exists outside the kitchen, and since everyone knows everyone, it’s not too long until word spreads like the STD you’re rumoured to have.