What your drug says about you

You’re at uni, it’s time to experiment, and you take drugs because you want certain people to think a certain way about you.

But smoking bud doesn’t make you Notorious, and that molehill of powder certainly doesn’t qualify you as Tony Montana.

Weed

Smoke weed every day

If you smoke weed, you want people to see you as undoubtedly cool: either in the sense of a carefree stoner, or some kind of gangsta. But you are neither of these things. Smoking your seeds and twigs just keeps you looking like some 14 year old scally round the back of the sports block.

Most likely to be heard saying: “And it cures cancer.”

Cocaine

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Sported by the posh boys who want to get laid, it’s the drug version of a gold coloured watch from Argos. You think it looks good, you think other people are fooled, and most importantly you haven’t got a clue where to buy your product from. No one will be your friend. No one will go home with you. Sure, they’ll use you for a key in the toilets then tell their mates how shit your coke is.

Most likely to be heard saying: “The guy I get it off gets it straight from Peru.”

Oh yeah, of course…

Ecstasy

Mate, you got any chewie?

You used to look down on people who smoked in sixth form. You know the kind. Now you think you’re off Skins. Edgy, individual, up for a good sesh to deep/tech house (or garage/jungle if you have managed to get in with some semi-decent flatmates).

Most likely to be heard saying: “Nah, I don’t think it has hit me yet. Can I get another bomb?”

Alcohol

Lads on tour

People who “only drink” are the worst type of people. The dizzying heights of your morality must be made more dizzying by the large volumes of this drug you consume. At least the posers on MDMA just want to hyper-chat about their new best friend. You boozers either try to fight, or indoctrinate people into your world.

Most likely to be heard saying: “Bet you can’t down that pitcher of woo-woo.”

Ketamine

Only fools and horses

It hasn’t been seen since the dark ages, but word on the street is it’s back. Bitter users will talk of the days they spent in a K hole, but they probably have no idea what they’re talking about since no one has been able to get any for ages.

Most likely to be heard saying: “Who has a number for MXE?”