Here’s the nearest university that ranks lower than Hull

And god they’re shite…

As The Tab Hull recently reported, our university has plummeted in the Times' University Rankings, faster than the pound plummeted after the Brexit referendum.

In the good old days, we could mock Lincoln—with their swans and students who shit in their own accommodation lifts.

But now things have changed. We're 103rd and they're 42nd—to continue thinking of Lincoln as rivals is like the third member of Destiny's Child having a swipe at Beyonce (a.k.a. pretty tragic).

So who are our local rivals? Because before setting out to research this article, we had literally never heard of Bishop Grosseteste University .

1. Who are they?

Bishop Grosseteste University

2. How do you pronounce 'Bishop Grosseteste'?

Fuck knows.

3. Where do they rank?

113th place in the Times' rankings

4. Where are they?

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37 miles away in Lincoln. With fellow shit uni, Leeds Beckett (appropriately situated in the UK's Super-gonorrhoea capital), 11 miles further away.

5. When were they founded?

Bishop Grosseteste were founded in 2012—85 years after Hull and already only 10 places behind us. At this rate they'll overtake Oxford in 10 years.

But whilst we're at it, here's a list of crap unis that are not only ahead of us in the rankings, but are younger than every student at Hull: Falmouth, Arts University Bournemouth, University of Wales Trinity Saint David, Edge Hill, Chichester, Liverpool (no) Hope, Solent, Roehampton.

Honestly how depressing is this?

6. What degrees do they offer?

Bishop Grosseteste offer only 22 undergraduate degrees, three of which are Drama, Applied Drama and "Applied Drama in the Community".

They also offer a post-grad in Primary Mathematics (which is how to teach mathematics at primary schools, not an MA in BIDMAS) and a degree in counselling, which is apt as most students at Bishop Grosseteste will need it to get over the trauma of going there.

7. Do they have any alumni?

Their alumni consists of two people: David Pugh—a west end producer—and Jade Etherington—an athlete who came third out of four finishers in a winter Paralympic skiing event.

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We're happy to say that as universities go, Hull's alumni record is still pretty solid.

8. Are they competent?

No, they manage to spell 'Students' Union' differently three times on their uni homepage:

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9. Does their main building look like a haunted mansion?

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Of course.

10. What extra-curricular events do they offer?

For a mere 10 of your hard-earned pounds, you can go watch a Peter Kay tribute act at Bishop Grosseteste. Or you can feed a £10 note into a paper shredder for a similar level of entertainment.

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Website design is their passion

So, there is Bishop Grosseteste University: shit, embarrassing and almost as good as Hull.

For the love of Christ guys, can you all get revising so we can start dicking on Lincoln again.