A definitive list of every type of student you will ever meet

You know who you are

We all know that person that makes clear just how much of a ‘student’ they are; maybe it’s you, but we all know that these people who strive to be the stereotypical image of a student are the most annoying people at university.

So here they are. The definitive list of every type of student you will meet.

The money-tight one

The group chats during summer break are essentially a competition of who is the furthest into their overdraft after first year, and you spend all summer working some crappy job and scrimping on nights out with friends from home because you’re saving up for Freshers’ round two.

The issue is not with being in your overdraft, I know firsthand this is an easy trap to fall into, but bragging about how you’ve maxed out your OD and now you can’t afford anything, it isn’t anything to be proud of and gets old after the third time.


The lazy one

true love <3


The people that are physically incapable of making any food that requires even an ounce of effort makes them the trait by which our mums know us: The lazy student. They wake up at 3pm after missing their morning lectures because it was obviously pointless making the effort to go, and then venture downstairs to the kitchen to make a student staple dish, be it cereal, noodles or pasta – maybe with a few mini hotdog sausages mixed in for extra gourmet points.

Don’t forget the obligatory Snapchat along with it captioned, “I’m such a student” or “#studentlyf”, just to clarify what a proper student you are. The lazy one does not go without telling everyone that they missed uni this morning, in order to solidify their position as the most lazy.


The messy one

Now I’m not a neat freak but I do know what a floor looks like and I do like my bedroom floor to be visible, but not to the messy one. They will resort to extreme methods of concealing their floor, be it with condom packets or used condoms, and half empty cans of dark fruits from last night’s solo sesh before pre-drinks, or perhaps handouts from the one lecture they made during the week.

The messy one does not confine themselves to their own room however, they spread all over the house, into the kitchen with pans with week-old uneaten beans that they managed to be able to afford after that crazy night out, then to the living room where the remains of the takeaways are stored in case of a recycling emergency. All these messages are purposefully sent to demonstrate just how useless they are at living independently and so allowing them to achieve the glorious status of the most messy

Just don’t tell their mum, it’s enough to give her heart palpitations.


The all-nighter

We all know the all-nighter, the person that is incapable of showing any interest in an assignment until 12 hours before the deadline, and so has to spend their whole night in the library slaving away. They take the occasional break to post on every form of social media that they are working late at night like the dedicated student they are. How are people to know you did an all-nighter if your Snapchat story doesn’t consist of at least 80 seconds of library selfies and snaps of your toppling reading list? (Ideally topped off with a photo of the sunrise captioned “worth it”.)


The hungover one

These are the worst – those who expect pity for their hangover. You hear your die-hard wanna-be housemate eventually stumble back in to the house, making as much noise as humanly possible in the process to wake up anyone attempting to sleep, and when the individual surfaces, they demand sympathy for a “killer hangover”, after a “mental night out”, when you know they probably had a shit night out and didn’t even pull.

Or you hear these hangover sufferers, shuffle into the morning lecture reeking of [w]odka, perhaps wearing last night clothes, or even better, wearing their university hoodie, leggings or maybe joggers if they’re feeling adventurous, with no makeup and wearing the glasses you never knew they needed (or massive sunglasses to protect from the cruel morning sun) as the cherry on top of a tragically alcohol sodden, student cake.


The serial clubber

These are the people who see it as an absolute necessity to go to every single student night available in the city. Monday nights at Piper, Wednesday Tower, Thursday Welly, Friday Gardeners and Saturday Sugar, and as a proper partying student you can’t miss out on any. Full house or nothing. These people cannot go out without shaming those who do not follow in their partying footsteps, “don’t be so boooring” they whine. Branding any one else as weak, when in reality they just can’t hack another night of the same indie hits in Welly.


The passionate lover

Last but certainly not least, the student pulling machines. These pulling machines are unlike any other; fresh out of sexless Sixth Form and into a world without the risk of parents walking in on them, these students come with one goal in Freshers’, to achieve the sex magnet status.

More than likely the people who this applies to are probably in their second year and still a virgin, whilst claiming to everyone how great they are at pulling and will add imaginary conquests onto the ‘body count’, despite knowing deep down they have failed disastrously at achieving their dreams and worrying about the looming expiration date of their condoms.